Today I worked for a small company.

I was tired in a weird way this morning and shower time continued to be a bugbear but I headed into work on time and started the day with a couple of meetings. The main point of the meetings was to get me up to speed with some redundancies and resignations that had happened in the company so now I’m part of a team of five. I’m already struggling with the stress from my current duties at work so I’m hoping that this will simplify things rather than increasing my stress load, though that hope is slim. I think I’m going to be spending more of games week actively networking to try and find any appropriate opportunities for games and games adjacent work that I can.

The rest of the day was spent trying to debug some issues with a project I’m supposed to be testing that has already taken way too long but I managed to at least make some headway on it.

After work I headed home and spent most of the evening on the couch half napping except for baby magpie feeding time.

Tomorrow I’m visiting my mum in the morning for her birthday and then working from home and Dave is coming around which will be nice.

Today (Wednesday) I still managed to stream.

This morning’s shower continued the trend of being the roughest part of this new meds journey, dealing with weird dysphoria and feeling trapped in my own head. Afterwards though I got to work pretty quickly. I dropped off and picked Emily up from her hair appointment in the morning and sorted a testing call with a client for a difficult project. I finished work slightly early today though because my head was feeling weird. I crashed on the couch with Emily in the warm and napped for a while until it was time to stream.

Our space date No Man’s Sky couch stream was really lovely today with lots of really solid discussion and lovely people in chat. Afterwards though I was pretty wiped and headed to bed pretty quickly.

Tomorrow I’m working in the city again so I’m hoping I can summon the energy needed to put a couple of these projects in the ground.

Today (Tuesday) I got to hang out with Melody and Sarah J.

I drove into work this morning even though I was pretty sleepy. Work itself was frustrating but I seemed to cope with it pretty well which was nice even if I was a bit… Weird throughout the day. After work though I caught up with Melody and we headed to her place. I spent the evening hanging out with Melody and Sarah which was super lovely. We had burgers and watched Sharpe’s Rifles and then on the way home I hallucinated a couple of shadow creatures on the road.

Tomorrow I’m working from home which is good cause I got home super late and could use a little extra sleep.

Today I went to the movies with Emily.

I had trouble sleeping last night. I had a kind of freakout in the night feeling the new drugs really strongly in my brain and fucking hating every second of it and having some kind of panic attack which Emily helped me through and into sleep. I had the same again this morning in the shower and again Emily helped me through it like a guardian angel. Eventually Emily and I were ready to leave the house and headed out into the blessed warm day to go to the cinema. We bought cinema snacks like chumps and went and saw Bladerunner 2049 which was pretty fucking excellent even through the emotion dulling side effects of the meds I’m on afterwards we did some grocery shopping and got some candles and I had a hot chocolate while Emily had a meeting. Eventually we headed home and I noticed that same dulling effect making it hard to enjoy the music in the car on the way home.

The rest of the afternoon for me disappeared into a nap and then the evening was mostly a combination of dish washing and Court of Swords.

Tomorrow I’m gonna try working in the city and just hoping that my headspace is ok. Afterwards I’m going to see Melody in the evening but I’m really worried about being distant and weird and not being able to enjoy her company because of these drug side effects.

Today (Sunday) I slept and felt a bit weird.

This morning I slept in till ten thirty our something gorgeous like that and then Emily and I had some breakfast together including the new kumquat marmelade on the special fennel and rotated rye bread that Simon had given us and fresh mango. Afterwards Emily did a workout while I had an important chat with a a friend which took a little longer than I expected. Then Emily and I went and got lunch from the bakery lunch and sat and ate it on the bench in the garden and then I followed that up with a nap. I’ve felt a little weird today in general and wondered if that was to do with the new drugs and it certainly kicked in more at the end of that mid afternoon nap. The nap ended though when it was time to play Torchbearer and the game was pretty excellent today and I feel like I was an actually decent player despite being slightly out of it. In our dinner break I had something maybe line a panic attack, it was weird and not something I’ve dealt with before but I managed to make it back to shore in order to play out the last hour of our game without much issue before we finished up for the night and retired to bed to watch Polar Bear’s Cafe and sleep.

Tomorrow Emily and I are going to see the new Bladerunner in the morning and then I’m hoping to get the dishes done before it’s time for IANTTKY which I still haven’t fully locked down?

Today (Saturday) I got new meds.

This morning I was up and presentable nice and early, ready to stream by nine thirty. I ended up playing Hand Of Fate for three hours instead of four because as much as I love that game I was pretty exhausted. I took a nap for forty five minutes on the couch and then felt awful waking up but still went to my doctor’s appointment. At the doctor I was prescribed antidepressants after managing to avoid them for years through chronic mental health issues. Afterwards I went and got the script filled and headed home where Emily and I had a cup of tea and a bit of a sit and talk. Once we’d finished our chat though we headed out to Simon and Jess’s place where we hung out ate WAY too much delicious Hainanese chicken and then eventually watched the original Bladerunner after several hours of technical difficulties. I’ve seen the start of that film many times over the years but never the end and the technical difficulties did make it seem like my curse would continue but we got there in the end.

Tomorrow we’ve got a mostly chill day planned until it’s time for Torchbearer in the evening.

Today I just kind of drifted.

I worked from home today. It was really frustrating because once again I couldn’t do the work I needed to do but Dave was around for coworking and I ate a whole packet of pringles both of which were nice. After work I did a little of my own development but most of the afternoon was dominated by a lovely couch nap.

In the evening Dave and I dropped Emily off at her mum’s for the night and then went and got some Indian for dinner and just crashed on the couch watching YouTube and Robot Wars.

Tomorrow I’m streaming in the morning and then catching up with Simon and Jess to watch the original Blade Runner in the evening.

Today I pulled myself up with roleplaying games.

I was super tired this morning but I managed to drag myself to work. I struggled really badly for a lot of the day, though Bluejay’s colouring stream helped a lot of the first half of the day. Around lunchtime however my headspace got really bad and I was really thankful for the support of some friends online. I wasn’t thankful for the fact that my manager came into the lunchroom while I was on break and trying to work myself back to a safe space and, in an effort to show solidarity, started complaining about the anti-queer hate ads he’s been seeing on TV which instantly pushed me off in another unhelpful headspace direction. In the end I slowly clawed my way back to a position of control and ended up having an hour of power at the end of the work day. I crashed again on the way home from sudden mirror dysphoria but that melted away on coming home to Emily and holding her in my arms. Then I got to run Scum And Villainy on stream and I feel like I and the group are really starting to hit our stride which is super nice and the game tonight felt really good.

Tomorrow I’m working from home and I’m gonna try and tap back into that energy from today’s hour of power. Plus Dave is coming around so that’s a nice reward to look forward to for doing good work.

Today I went on space date with Emily.

This morning I got to lie in just a little and it was really nice. Work from home was as work is at the moment, though I solved one small mystery it wasn’t enough to make me feel like I’m being genuinely valuable in my use of my time. After work we headed to McLaren Vale for a couple of errands and then made it back in time for our space date No Man’s Sky couch stream. The stream today was really pleasant with a really present and active chat and we had a lot of fun exploring a lovely but ridiculous planet that I eventually decided to settle on. It was a good time and afterwards I stayed up a little too sort out the vods before bed.

Tomorrow I’m working in the city again but then afterwards I need to rush home in order to run Scum And Villainy on stream.

Today (Tuesday) I watched Channing Tatum with Sarah again.

This morning I was pretty wiped out but I headed into work and spent the day trying to be productive through my plague of distracted. I managed to achieve a few small things but nothing like what’s needed right now. Once I was finished for the day though I caught up with Sarah M at the train station and we headed down to Marion where we got some ingredients from the super market which we then took back to her place where she taught me how to make a pasta sauce! And it was good! I’m not sure I’ll remember the recipe properly later but I’m gonna try my best! Once we’d eaten we did chat for a bit and I maybe ranted about how our culture’s obsession and requirement for conflict in all narratives is a function of patriarchy. Once we’d finished all the rants though we settled down and watched Jupiter Ascending because it was the first terrible Channing Tatum movie we could get our hands on. And it was terrible. A lot of the design was AMAZING but the script, acting, and action scenes were just the hottest mess and we had such a great time laughing our way though it. Once the film was over though it was quite late and I dallied for an little while but eventually headed off and arrived home well after my bed time.

Tomorrow I’m working from home, thank the gods but I’ll be fasting so that will probably balance out.