Today I held myself up.

This morning I didn’t bother with makeup and worked from home while Emily was out. I was pretty ineffectual at work but I manage to make sure I peeled myself back from moments when my mental health started to turn sour. After Emily arrived home and I finished up work I made some cup-a-soup for lunch, fed BMO and then washed the dishes and cleaned the kitchen. Once that was done we headed out to the shops. On the drive there we talked about some stuff on related to Emily’s panic attack last night and during the course of the discussion I got more hurt than I have in a long time but after Emily grabbed the things we needed from the shops and came back to the car she pretty quickly put things straight. Back at home Emily diarized while I got distracted by the internet and then we both ended up sending helpful videos back and forth over riot chat until it was time for dinner. We watched some YouTube as we ate and then Emily went to have a solstice bath. I kept watching YouTube but I felt like not doing something for the solstice was playing into my depression’s hands. It was cold outside and I wasn’t sure of any small ritual I could perform so instead I drew a small sketch of myself and the moon.

I was actually surprised by the drawing as the style is not my usual style but the picture just kind of emerged from me which was weird and nice and it was great because I felt like I’d achieved some small something to mark the solstice.

Tomorrow I’m working in the city and I’m already wondering if there’s a way I can find somewhere to make me a horchata or a white hot chocolate or something.

Today I got to see lovely people.

Emily caught the train in to town with me today but got off early to head around to Dave and Sarah’s place for the day. I went in to work and wasn’t very productive. I went from sleepy to anxious to panic attack over the lead up to lunch and then ended up crying in the lunch room because my panic attack broke when I read a story in Tumblr about a mum bring proud of her Changeling daughter. Afterwards I went back to being tired and then caught the train and got picked up by Dave and Emily and went back to Dave and Sarah’s place for the evening where we had a tasty takeaway dinner, chats about robots and trans stuff and listened to some music. Eventually Dave have us a lift back to Seaford and we drove home and then spent a little bit of time before bed with me helping Emily deal with a little bit of emotional stuff she’d been struggling with which reminded me that I do actually bring value to my relationships and that my loved ones actually love me for reasons which is a lesson I always have trouble holding on to.

Tomorrow I’m working from home and it’s gonna be a fasting day but mostly I’m looking forward to playing WoW in the evening with Alison.

Today I started the Apocalypse.

This morning I had my long shower, had a “not a real person attack”, and was grateful to have Emily around to help me through it. I’m confident I would have been able to make it through on my own but it was easier and quicker with her assistance.

Once we were dressed we had some breakfast as we watched the end of The Sacrifice which was stunning and then we immediately started watching Stalker. That whole goddamn film is utterly Amazing but part one was a bizarrely intense experience for me, it was like Tarkovsky reached through the screen and inside me, took part of something that makes me who I am, something to do with engines and fields and rust, and pulled it out onto his screen to play it before me like an imitation of those dreams of my childhood but somehow more perfect than they ever were before.

By the time stalker finished, leaving me agog, it was the early evening so I set about to read through as much of Apocalypse World 2nd edition as I could before the game. I read through as much as I felt I needed, got my makeup and streaming set up organised and it was time to stream our session 0 of Apocalypse World. The first session was definitely excellent. I think the world we’ve created is really fascinating but I’m also totally intimidated by it. I’m gonna have to work my brain real hard to make it barf forth apocalyptica for this world and I’m also gonna have to do a bunch of research into the dreaming stories of different australian indigenous nations. Ultimately, though, if I can pull this off it will be fucking great.

Tomorrow I’m working in the city but then going to visit Dave and Sarah in the evening with Emily which I’m slightly nervous about because my mental health has been so rocky lately, especially with those sorts of social situations, but I’m also super looking forward to seeing them so I’m gonna do the thing and trust myself to have a nice time.