Today I streamed a lot of No Man’s Sky.

I wasn’t super productive at work today but I made a point to be kind to myself today so I didn’t beat myself up about it. Halfway though I had to take a break to go pick up Emily as she’d had a tough appointment and it seemed like a bad idea to make her catch public transport home.

After I finished work we dashed out to get Emily to another appointment and then dashed home in time to start streaming No Man’s Sky at 3:30. It was a really nice chill game to play on stream and Emily joined me on the couch for a bunch of it and joined in the streaming and chatting and it was just so lovely. We ended up going till quarter past ten instead of our planned end time of 7:30.

Tomorrow work is super intimidating, I have a testing and set up call in the morning and then I have to drive to a client to deliver training in the afternoon. At the moment I’m just avoiding thinking about it to make sure I din’t get too freaked out about it.

Today I recovered from a panic attack with help.

This morning it was very dark and rainy, but not super cold or windy which was nice. I wore sneakers and got drive through breakfast and didn’t change into appropriate work shoes when I got to the office.

A little bit before lunch time I started having a panic attack and realised it was happening before it spiralled out of control. I was super annoyed by it because I’m sick of having to deal with mental health stuff affecting my ability to work. I messaged Emily and Dave about it and they were both super lovely and caring and supportive and gave some good prompts which I mostly followed. I headed out, got a couple of things I needed from some shops, and then grabbed some lunch. Food always helps my mood.

The rest of the afternoon was mostly just a single meeting which I actually ended up feeling fine for and then I got to go home and have a cup of tea with Dave and Em before Dave headed home and we went and got burgers and came home and ate them while watching Game of Thrones and then Sense8 which made me cry a LOT.

Tomorrow is a fasting day and I’m working from home which will mostly involve me brushing up my skills with some software so that I can train people in using it on Thursday. In the afternoon, however, I’ll be streaming No Man’s Sky which I’m super excited and hyped for. I’m really loving streaming so much, it’s one of my favourite things at the moment, the fun sharing of the space and experience and the sense of connection and community are just amazing.

Today I struggled early and then recovered and powered through the day.

I had a nice little lie in this morning, not too late, and then was up and had my long shower, after which I was completely exhausted and depressed. I managed to pick myself up though and did some stuff for my mental health, got myself dressed, made up and ready for the day, and then fed BMO and checked the oil and water in the car before going for my usual walk in the gorgeous sun and getting some bakery lunch as a reward. Back at home I ate my tasty bakery lunch and had a sit for a minute and then put on some Roll20 vods to keep me company as I washed the dishes. Once I had those done I had some afternoon tea with Emily and started my GM prep stream. The first half of my GM prep stream actually involved me writing a Twitch chat bot live on stream which was neat but not what I had been intending. After that I did my actual GM prep for the evening’s Apocalypse World game with a break in the middle to help Emily start putting up some curtain rails which we will complete when we have the right drill bits. I ended up doing prep basically right up until it was time to play.

The game itself was fucking hi-octane nonsense from the get-go and only accelerated. The thing I find trickiest about running Apocalypse World is that I find I’m either struggling to find places to push or my pushing has made things happen way too Mitesh and fast. I’m sure it looks great from the outside and I have excellent players along for the ride.

Tomorrow I’m back at work in the city but today’s successes mean I’m not too worried about it for the first time in weeks.

Today I got to catch up with some friends.

I had a lovely sleep in this morning. Once I was up and about we spent a little while watching Adam and Kale wander around a Japanese shrine on twitch while we played with BMO. Around lunch time Simon and Jess rocked up and we headed to the bakery and then came back and spent the afternoon chatting.

Afterwards Emily and I put on some Roll20 vods and chilled out until it was time for me to go pick up a PS4 camera I had organised to buy off a friend so that I can stream PlayStation games. Once I got home we continued watching vods and I worked on fixing up some of the more problematic elements of Dobby, my chat bot.

Tomorrow we’re playing Apocalypse World in the evening and I might do a prep stream in the afternoon, though I’ll need to do the dishes before then.

Today (Saturday) I streamed too long.

I got up early and did all my prep stuff and then when I went to change BMO’s water he climbed up my arm quick as a flash and started giving me kisses. Getting him back in the cage cost me a solid twenty minutes so I started the stream half an hour late. As we went, however, we chatted a LOT. We talked about some trans stuff and some queer stuff and some travel stuff and a lot of food stuff and I only went half an hour over four hours but boy we’re me and my voice exhausted by the end of it. I had a little nap on the couch afterwards and then when Emily got home we went and got bakery lunch.

The rest of the afternoon and evening mostly consisted of watching Roll20 presents The Sprawl and me tinkering with The Republic and Emily mostly resting.

Tomorrow we don’t have much planned which is good cause it’s a fasting day so any achievements at all will count as a major win.

Today (Friday) I added npc stats back into The Republic because I had a migraine.

This morning I headed to the clinic near my house to get a blood test first thing in the morning which took an hour and a half of waiting instead of fifteen minutes and made me late for a work meeting.

Work after that was basically just meetings. Dave rocked up and brought chocolate and we went and got bakery lunch. After work we sat around in the lounge for a bit and I had a nap. Eventually Emily disappeared to her mum’s and Dave and I say and tinkered with our different projects, him with the Monadnock soundtrack and me with The Republic. I started to feel a bit weird after a bit and then worked out that the Chocolate we’d been eating was had triggered a migraine, which I only get from certain foods. We went and got some Chinese takeaway for dinner and agree that and kept working until my head got bad enough that we decided to stop and watch Robot Wars instead.

Tomorrow I’m gonna stream Darkest Dungeon in the morning and maybe do some kind of dev in the afternoon?

Today I left work early.

This morning I was super tired due to incredibly poor sleep last night. I headed into work and had a long conversation with a manager about how I’m handling my stress levels (I’m not but there’s not much they can do about it). I got to listen to Bluejay’s book club stream and then Luke’s game design stream as I worked which was nice but then I ended up having a panic attack from seeing some of the shit people are already having to deal with as plebiscite fallout. I decided that heading home early was a good plan so I left, grabbed some lunch, and caught the train home. I headed around to Julia’s place because that’s where Emily was and we had cookies and tea and Game of Thrones before Emily and I headed back to our own house where we had tasty stew for dinner and then Emily went and did photo editing while I sat on the couch, watched roll20 presents The Sprawl, and worked on The Republic which I made some good progress on.

Tomorrow I’m working from home and Dave is coming over so I’m looking forward to it but I’m also aware that I’m pretty emotionally drained and also depressed right now so I might not be as sociable as I’d like of myself.

Today I had a bath.

This morning I was a little slow to my desk, but once I was there I managed to focus pretty well and just take note of the things I would have been distracted by to deal with later. Despite that however my day was still super anxiety inducing as I was constant being hounded about various problems with a product that I manage. Eventually though the work day was over and I got distracted by Andrew Gilles and John Harper talking about game design on stream for so long that I didn’t actually get around to my own Darkest Dungeon stream until 4. I streamed for most of the evening and made some progress in Darkest Dungeon, though the Hag wrecked me again. Afterwards I ended up having a nice bath and listening to Campaign Podcast to try and relax and get shed some stress points of my own which worked to a certain degree.

Tomorrow I’m working in the city and I’m so not looking forward to it but hopefully I’ll just be able to dissociate the whole day away or something. I should probably be hoping to be able to focus on my work and solve my problems but I don’t think I’m anywhere near a headspace that healthy at the moment.