Today I ran the session zero for Girl By Moonlight and then released an update for The Republic.

This morning we were up bright and early for our first session of Girl By Moonlight. The session was all world building and character creation and even ran a little overtime with all that but was super rad and everything we came up with is super cool. I felt a little bad cause I felt like my energy and keeping everyone on the ball flagged a little as we went on, probably because I was having a fasting day which I might move in future so it doesn’t coincide with GMing. Afterwards I basically crashed out on the couch for several hours, deep into nod. Afterwards we went to the shops so Emily could get things for tomorrow’s picnic and then came home and curled up in the lounge watching Court Of Swords and working on The Republic and then eventually pushing out an update.

Tomorrow we’re going on an anniversary drive and a picnic because we didn’t get to do one on our actual anniversary and it’s a tradition we love.

Today (Saturday) I just flowed with positive energy.

I slept in a little this morning but still managed to make it onto stream on-time. I played Darkest Dungeon today and streamed til just after lunch. The stream itself was super rad with just a bunch of lovely little turning up in my chat and a couple subscribing and we talked about Darkest Dungeon and British Monarchs and Twee Dungeons and it was great. Afterwards I spent most of the afternoon doing some really cool prep for pre-session zero for Girls By Moonlight tomorrow until Emily got home. We had a bit of couch chat time together which was nice and then we headed to my parents’ place for family dinner which once again turned out to be just surprisingly lovely. Afterwards we left feeling all warm and fuzzy, it was great. Once we were back at home though I did get stuck into the GBM prep stuff again until it was pretty late in the evening so we watched an episode of Madoka in bed and then just headed straight to sleep.

Tomorrow morning is Girl By Moonlight which I’m incredibly hype for and I haven’t really thought much further than that.

Today (Friday) I was stressed, tired, and loved.

I was up and at my desk very nearly on time this morning and spent the first half of the day on work things as did Emily and also Dave when he arrived. I am finding work really stressful at the moment, especially task management and timekeeping which is driving me up the wall. At the end of work though we took a short break before diving back into some tasks, for me that was The Republic and I made good progress on rearranging things. During the afternoon Emily had to deal with some tough decisions and emotions and it was super great to have Dave there to help talk her through those as I find myself completely without spoons to assist. Once everyone had dealt with their challenges at hand Dave and I dropped Emily off at her mum’s for the night and then went to get dinner. We ended up getting Mexican and then eating it in the dark on a bench overlooking the beach near our place which was really lovely with the sound of the waves and the red fingernail moon dipping closer and closer to the horizon. After we finished eating we decided to go for a walk along the beach in the dark which was fun and nice and I got to climb on the rocks which always reminds me of being a kid out on the island.

Afterwards we headed back to the house and crashed on the couch and watched Robot Wars until it was time for Dave to head home and for me to sleep.

Tomorrow I’m streaming in the morning and then preparing for girl by moonlight in the afternoon and then have a family dinner to head to in the evening so we’ll see which of those is most tiring.

Today (Thursday) children exhausted me.

I got up nice and early this morning and made sure my work presentation was impeccable before heading into work. Over the course of the day I only had to run three workshops instead of the six I was expecting but I still got way too hyped up on caffeine. The three workshops I ran were, in turn, awkward but good, too quiet, and then fucking chaos. I had a couple of hours after the last one to do normal work but my brain was completely exhausted. After work I just caught the train home, stopped in at the shops, and then, at home had a cup of tea with Dave and Emily before Dave headed home and we ate cheesy pasta and spent the rest of the evening watching YouTube.

Tomorrow I’m working from home but I’m basically declaring it a soft start to the weekend. Plus Dave is coming back round so that will be nice.

Today (Wednesday) I actually rode a productivity wave.

The day started out like a normal Wednesday today with me working from home and getting really anxious about getting things done and then, at midday I got a call from the office manager asking if I wanted to spend tomorrow running workshops for highschool kids and that I’d be saving the day if I did. So I spent the rest of the work day designing and preparing a workshop which was actually kinda fun. After that I pretty much barrelled straight into our No Man’s Sky space date couch stream with Emily which was super nice and lovely especially talking to all the lovely people in chat.

Tomorrow I’m gonna have to head into the office in the city to run these workshops for kids.

Today (Tuesday) I celebrated 13 years with BlackwoolHoliday.

This morning I called in sick to work so I could stay home with Emily on our anniversary. As I was resting after that my Mum rang me to check in and see how I was going after coming out as Relationship Anarchist/poly on the family group chat yesterday which I’d tried to make not a big deal. It was a nice chat and it was obvious she intends to respect what we’re doing but is very obviously worried we’re making a mistake or that we’re gonna hurt each other or fall apart which was really anxiety inducing. Once I was up and about I headed to my desk to try and get my day’s work done but between my massively increasing work anxiety I’ve been dealing with and the background anxiety of the day I found it nearly impossible to focus and just kept flitting off to other nonense throughout the day. Emily’s mum came to visit and brought us chocolate, Julia came and brought us lunch and took some photos with Emily and by the end of the working day I’d managed to get a little done, but not nearly enough.

Around the time that I finished work for the day though I hit 1000 Twitter followers which felt like a neat milestone so Em and I decided to celebrate by streaming the Minecraft date we had planned for the evening.

Our Minecraft time was exciting and also really calm and lovely in equal measure, with dangerous cave exploration balanced by cozy home construction. Afterwards we ducked out to the shops to get some stuff for dinner and then came home and ate and watched A Knights Tale, which we used to watch heaps together when we first started dating. I remember thinking I should try and be like Will because he was such a role model of masculinity to me but at the same time I now realise I was Dying to be Joselyn, her look is so like mine and her fashion is amazing. The film as a whole is just such a fun party and I legit love it and watching it tonight was just a lot of fun.

Tomorrow I’m working from home again and my main goal is to try and re-center myself on being excited about my work to make myself productive and then in the evening I get to have a lovely space date couch stream with Emily.

Today (Monday) I watched my Apocalypse World game descend into madness.

I slept in a bit this morning and then managed to get myself up and had my long shower with almost no drama, very little depression or body hating at all. Afterwards Emily and I had a little breakfast and then decided to play some Minecraft together. We started a new world together and went exploring and started to get a little hut set up and it was super lovely just to spend time playing together. After a bit we decided to take a break so I could get the dishes done.

The dishes task was massive and it took me a fair while but I actually managed to compete it even though I thought I’d have to come back to it tomorrow. In the end though we had enough time after my finishing the dishes for us to play a little more Minecraft together before it was time for me to do Apocalypse World GM prep which I did on stream. The prep was really good and helpful and then the game started and this high octane Apocalypse World game continued to burn and we got incredibly weird. At the end of the session I’m still not entirely sure what happened apart from maybe a lot of Maelstrom stuff and maybe also robots.

Tomorrow I’m heading into work which I’m feeling super anxious about and then get to have anniversary evening dinner with Emily when I get home.

Today I mostly slept and cried.

I woke up with a splitting headache and eventually managed to shower which only seemed to make it worse. I drank a bunch of water and took some panadol and while I waited for them to kick in Emily and I had a short but intense talk about feelings and stuff which was hard but valuable but the Panadol was doing nothing so I had to retire to bed. I ended up sleeping in the bed until about one thirty at which point I got dressed, came out to the lounge room, had a cup of tea, and then spent the rest of the arvo alternately napping, crying about everything, and reading Twitter on my phone on the couch. Eventually at around half seven I arose and went down the street to get a massage from our masseuse neighbours to see if that would fix the headache. I ended up being there for a couple of hours cause I’m way too chatty but the massage was good and I was surprised to find I’m way less tense then I have been previously. Afterwards I headed home and we basically chilled on the couch for a while before eventually retiring to bed.

Tomorrow we’re playing Apocalypse World in the Evening but before that I have to do the dishes and Emily and I are gonna find a game to play together over lunch which I’m looking forward to.

Today I went to the Adelaide #VoteYes #MarriageEquality rally and got really worn out.

This morning I decided I was too tired to get up early for streaming and instead let myself sleep in for a few extra hours before getting up and ready to head out to the Vote Yes rally in the city. I caught the train in with Julia and Eli and Julia’s parents and we managed to be early enough to be relatively close to the front of proceedings, even if we still had trouble hearing what some of the speakers were saying. I got to meet Marshall who was cool and his mum who was lovely and then we were joined by Emily and Bear and then Dave and eventually Damon. It was really nice to be in this little collection of pals I knew in a sea of friendly strangers. There was one trans flag flying with a bunch of transwomen gathered around it and I wanted to go say hi but I wasn’t sure how I’d make that conversation not weird so I decided to just feel happy and let it pass. There were some people with Vote No signs and that made me a little panicky but Emily used it as a good teachable moment about my hyperactive fear responses as we were surrounded by literally thousands of friendly people who would all protect each other against anyone who wanted to hurt us. After the formal rally we marched down King William to Tarndanyangga before eventually dispersing. I know Melody, Kira and my amazing cousin Katie were all in the crowd but I there were so many of us, over 5000, that I didn’t have the time to go searching for them. Afterwards we went and got Pancake Kitchen lunch before heading home.

It was five o’clock before we got back to Aldinga and I was thoroughly exhausted. I put a load of washing in the machine and then lay down on the couch for a nap. When I woke up I was having some kind of parasomnia for a few minutes before I was fully awake where, because it had gotten really dark and there were no lights on I had no idea where I was and it was terrifying. Once I worked myself out I turned some lights on and then, still feeling wrecked, retired back to the couch. When I next finished sleeping though I found myself stuck in this state of half-sleep where I was mostly concious but couldn’t will myself to open my eyes or move. I was stuck like this for ages until my Mum rang me to see how the rally went which shocked me enough to be able to wake up and chat to her but after the phone call was over I was still somehow trapped on the couch, feeling like getting up would somehow hurt or something similar. I felt so ridiculous and pathetic and crazy and also so alone because the people I immediately wanted to turn to for help were all out having nice times which I didn’t want to interrupt. Eventually I just started ranting a little disjointedly on a slack that I find supportive and Rosa started talking me through it. Halfway through that discussion Emily also messaged me and with both people’s support I managed to make my way up off the couch. It was awful for reasons I couldn’t discern and I proceeded to hang out the washing while bawling my eyes out like someone I love had died and then, as my tears became exhausted, made myself some instant Ramen to quickly eat before heading out to pick up Emily from the train station. Emily had had a good but emotionally tiring day so after picking her up I brought her home and we climbed into bed with all the confectionery in the house and watched YouTube videos together until it was sleep time and it was just really nice.

Tomorrow is a fasting day for me but it is also the day I need to wash the massive pile of dishes that has accrued in the kitchen and then play Torchbearer in the afternoon so I’m gonna have to be mindful of my energy levels around all that but I think that’s manageable.

Today I uploaded a lot of things to YouTube.

I was a little late starting work today cause I slept really poorly. Work itself was slightly interrupted by a trip to the shops and Andrew’s great game design stream but ultimately I solved a hard problem and Dave turned up for coworking so it was pretty good. After work Emily made chai and we went and sat together and drank our tea and chatted in the lounge and then I feel asleep on Emily and then it was like 6pm and Emily’s mum had arrived to pick her up. After Emily had left Dave and I got a little more work done on personal projects before getting fish and chips for dinner and then getting a little more work done before spending the rest of the night on the couch watching YouTube and Robot Wars.

Tomorrow I’m gonna be up super early to stream and then I’m attending a Marriage Equality rally in the city with a bunch of friends. I wish I had taken the time beforehand to prepare a signboard or something but at least I can show up as an extra body.

Today I got pretty bodyhorror.

I was still exhausted this morning but I made my way into work and spent the day mostly freaking out about problems I don’t know how to solve.

I did, however, find out that two of my panels have been accepted for PAX Australia this year including I Am Not Trying To Kill You Live which is super exciting and also slightly terrifying. After I was finished for the day and fighting off a full blown panic attack I headed home and only cried in the street a little so no one noticed which was a win. Back at home I pretty much immediately started running Scum And Villainy on stream which was actually really freakin good. I used a bunch of Junji Ito imagery and Star Trek imagery to craft a really scary abandoned but not really abandoned ship for the party to explore. We ended on a massive cliffhanger which I’m worried will be a sticking point next time but we’ll see that when we get there.

Tomorrow I’m thankfully working from home and Dave is gonna come around for coworking which will be nice, I feel like I need lots of resting at the moment.

Today I spent the evening with Emily.

I slept short and poorly again last night and honestly couldn’t believe how tired I was when I woke up, but I headed into work and got a small amount of shit done between different team meetings. After work I headed home and on the train watched Adam’s first episode of Hot For Teacher, his relationship advice show, which was excellent and really helpful. At home I got the lounge set up for streaming and then when Emily got home we played No Man’s Sky on stream as a lovely couch date for most of the evening and then had a really good chat afterwards within which I realised that I’m often terrified of people expressing their being upset because I assume they will weaponise their hurt against me, that my default way to deal with people I’ve hurt is to hurt myself to take away their pain and then heal myself by forgiving them for the fact that I got hurt which is super fucked up, and then later also realised that I’m pushing myself too hard in my hobbies because I’m unhappy at work and that this is how I burnt out last time but I’m not sure what to do about that.

Tomorrow I’m working in the city which I’m not looking forward to but in the evening I get to stream Scum And Villainy which is super fun and I’m keen as heck for.

Today I got to have dinner with Sarah M.

I slept super badly last night and certainly not enough and then I drove into work so I was feeling pretty weird and disconnected and super sleepy all day but I managed to make it through without too much suffering and then headed out to meet up with Sarah. We got a hot drink at a weird little cafe before heading down to Gouger Street where we had really excellent Japanese for dinner and talked about a whole bunch of nonsense. Afterwards I drove her home and then we got stuck drinking tea and talking even more nonsense until eventually it was actually really late and I had to head home to get to bed.

Tomorrow I’m heading into work again cause it’s Kien’s going away party but in the evening I get to come home and go on space couch date time with Emily which I’m really looking forward to.

Today I went on an art gallery date with my Emily.

We didn’t get going as quickly as I had planned this morning, mostly because I was being super picky about outfits in attempt to fight back against the massive dysphoria I’ve been dealing with this week. We also had to duck to the shops to get bread for toast which was an extra delay but we managed to make it out of the house by around eleven and then caught the train into the city to explore the art gallery. I really love the way the Art Gallery of South Australia is organised these days, and the collection is so brilliant. The fact that we have two Chapman Brothers dioramas in Adelaide stuns me. Afterwards we went and got hot chocolate from San Churro and ruminated on how the day and ourselves were quite sleepy and slightly dreamlike in some ways and how that meant our date felt a little distant but that we still live each other and that it’s nice to get to spend comfortable time together on a day out as something special even if it’s a little noddy.

Back at home we had some tasty Luke soup for dinner and then I had a little prep time before our Apocalypse World game. The game itself started out a bit slow with a really cool unexpected de-escalation of a scene and I was worried about having run out of places to point crosshairs with my exploration but then I somehow let go of the park break and dumped a bunch of content and now I’m feeling really good about the whole thing.

Tomorrow I’m heading back to work for the day and then catching up with Sarah M for dinner and I’m feeling super anxious about all of it but I’m sure it will all shake out fine by the end of the day.

Today (Sunday) I was really dysphoric but I got to be a mecha pilot so it was fine.

We slept in pretty late this morning because we were up so late last night but once we were up I decided to have my long shower for the week. I survived the shower ok but as I went about the putting on clothes and then doing my makeup I got fucking wrecked by dysphoria which was really embarrassing because I was being all angsty and mopey and bullshit while Luke was around cooking things with Emily who kept taking breaks to provide small bits of care as I needed it. Eventually though we had some of the soup that had been cooked for lunch and I gave up on fasting for the day because it would only make my mental health worse and then we made our way out of the house to Melody and Sarah’s place. Once we arrived Emily and I ducked to the shop to get chocolate to act as a mood stabiliser and then we eventually started on Girl By Moonlight, even if a little later than ideal. The game itself was excellent and we got to play the mecha playbook which was super rad and created a totally different feel to other games of GBM I’ve seen. We ended up going a bit late but not as late as last night and told a nice neat story in that time which was excellent.

Tomorrow Emily are going on a date to the Art Gallery which I’m super keen for, hoping I won’t be too drowsy from bad sleeping times.

Today (Saturday) I playtested The Republic.

I was up super early this morning to stream a couple of games of Armello with Kayne and then Andrew which was really fun even if the stream was quiet. I actually won all three games I played!

Afterwards Emily and I headed to Melody’s place where we played Across The Endless Sea with Luke and Melody and Liam which was neat and had a really cool time travel feel which was rad and then we got to meet Genevieve and I got to chat with Sarah who is really cool and I like talking to as we all got dinner cooked by the amazing Luke. After food though we got seriously into The Republic with Luke, Emily, Melody and Genevieve. I was surprised at how fun the game was and how invested everyone got in the world such was super great. We identified a couple of issues with the system but that’s a good thing when playtesting so it was ultimately a really successful night. Afterwards we sat and chatted for a while and didn’t get home until an actually ridiculous hour but I’m so fine with it because all these people are amazing and I love them.

Tomorrow Luke is gonna come around to make some soup and bread with Emily and then we’re gonna head back to Melody’s to playtest Girl By Moonlight. Hopefully we’ll get to playtest the brand new mecha playbook because heck I’m keen for some giant robots.

You see a wyrd-touched traveller through the haze. They grant you a warding magic. What elements bind it?
Roll 2d20:
1) Salt
2) Iron
3) Bone
4) Water
5) Earth
6) Stone
7) Flesh
8) Blood
9) Wind
10) Wood
11) Feathers
12) Glass
13) Cloth
14) String
15) Oil
16) Leather
17) Gold
18) Silver
19) Coal
20) Smoke

Today (Friday) I didn’t realise how dysphoric I was until it was too late.

This morning I was pretty happy to sleep in until 8 am and then showered and dressed and ended up at my desk at nine, though already not feeling 100%. Work itself was really frustrating and I found myself getting really anxious but Dave arrived halfway through and it was nice to have him in the space.

After work we had a cup of tea and a chat on the couch which actually lasted until it was time for us to take Emily to her mum’s for the night. We headed out and dropped Emily off at her mum’s place and then Dave and I went to get some Chinese for dinner and ran into Sarah F’s mum in the street on the way which was lovely and also hilarious and only slightly awkward. Once we had did though we headed home to eat and then spent most of the evening working on code projects until my brain stopped working, after which we just watched robot wars until it was time for Dave to head home and me to head to bed. As Dave was heading out I realised that the discomfort and tension is been feeling all evening was dysphoria and Dave comforted me a little as I cried and eventually I was ok enough to at least head to bed.

Tomorrow I’m streaming super early and then we’re heading to Melody and Sarah’s place to playtest some RPGs including The Republic which I’m super nervous about.

Today I got to come home to my love.

I was pretty tired this morning but made my way into work and plodded along, a little slower than I would have liked. I spent a lot of the work day without Adam’s stream on in the background which was nice but later we found out about the high court decision to allow the plebiscite on Marriage Equality to go ahead and the rest of the afternoon was mostly about me being emotionally exhausted. Eventually though I headed home and I got to see Dave for a few minutes before he headed back to his place and then Emily and I watched Game Of Thrones and ate cheesy pasta on the couch and it was great. After Game Of Thrones however I had this moment where my brain just decided to forget all of its preconceived notions around the shape of my relationship with Emily and I found myself just falling completely in love with her all over again. It was amazing and profound and even though the butterflies in my tummy have faded, I think a part of that new understanding is sticking around which is good. Eventually though Emily had to get up and make tea because I was staring adoringly at her a little too much and too intensely.

Tomorrow Dave is gonna come around for coworking which will be nice and I’m hoping to get some work done on my twitch/roll20 integration project done in the afternoon.

Today I got my Emily back.

This morning I got up at six am with about five hours of sleep under my belt and got myself ready for the day and finished a couple of house tidying tasks before heading out to pick Emily up. Driving into the city was a pain as I forgot it would be peak hour traffic but I took the opportunity to put my favourite songs playlist on shuffle and sing along very loudly. I picked up Emily from her dad’s place and it was just so good to see her in the flesh again, to hear her actual voice and to hold her hand. We headed home and I had to start work and she, very sleep deprived, sat on the couch watching Unladen Swallow vods and napping, with a break in the middle when her mum popped around for a visit. Once I was finished we went out and got some prescriptions filled and then some lunch and then rushed home for our No Man’s Sky stream. Our couch space date this week was really super lovely and chat was really nice and interactive. We played until a little bit after dinner and then spent the rest of the evening with Emily dozing on the couch while I fiddled with things on the laptop and watched YouTube.

Tomorrow I’m working in the city and I’ve got a lot of catching up to do on things which I’m actually feeling anxious about but I’m not sure what I can do about that other than try to make sure I deploy my good focus tools that I can sometimes use to actually be productive.

Today I was very tired.

I got up at six with a full four and a half hours sleep under my belt, got ready for work and fed BMO and then headed out and drifted off to sleep on the train.

At work we had a long boring meeting and then I had to perform some especially dull maintenance and nearly nodded off a bunch of times. Over the course of the day my brain tried to sabotage me repeatedly but I managed to keep a hold of it. Back at home I chatted with Emily for several hours and made myself since dinner before tidying the kitchen and lounge room as much as I could in the remaining hours before the bed called me away.

Tomorrow I’m getting up at six again but this time to go pick up Emily as she’s back from her trip! I’m so excited to get to have her home.

Today I did a good job of running Scum And Villainy.

This morning I managed to sleep in till around ten and then had a long shower and even managed to unsuccessfully attempt to re-pink my hair. Around lunch time Dave arrived and we spent the afternoon getting FMod integration working in Unity on my Linux machine.

Once Dave had headed home it was time for me to run Scum And Villainy. Tonight’s game was actually super excellent despite being down one player. We really hit a stride as a group and I feel like I’ve got my handle on running the game now.

Tomorrow I’m back at work and I’m gonna be hella tired but I think my goals should be fairly clear which always helps.