Today I explored space on stream from the couch with my wife.

Work today was frustrating because my brain didn’t want to go but I made it through relatively unscathed, even managed to do a load of washing in the breaks. Once I was we popped around to the shops to get caffeine and vegetables and then back home in time to do my makeup and set up the lounge for streaming.

Emily and I Streamed No Man’s Sky for four hours and had an intense but really fun time and we had a fair few people joining in and chat was nice and active which was rad. Afterwards we watched an episode of Madoka and then chilled out to Scum And Villainy vods as I worked on channel art and schedule stuff for my twich and YouTube channels.

Tomorrow is Thursday which is my hump day that I always struggle with and in all likelihood I’ll be stuck in training for the duration of Bluejay’s bookclub stream which has been helping me deal with it for the last few weeks. I’m gonna make sure I focus on self care as much as possible while also trying to keep my productivity up to speed.

Today I struggled on my own.

I was in a super weird place this morning where I had lost my place in my sense of time but managed to make it to work in good time. The morning was all taken up by training that only got completely boring towards the end. After getting morning tea I started working while tuned in to Bluejay’s stream which was really nice even if I wasn’t as engaged in the work as I could be, after the stream ended and I started to spiral and ended up struggling a bunch for the rest of the work day and on the train home. When I got home though Emily was there and Dave hung around long enough for a cup of tea and I got hugs and I felt a lot better. Once Emily’s phone was charged we then got to jump into a group video chat party for Sarah’s birthday where we drank tea and watched all the video gifts she’d been sent and ate cake and it was lovely. Afterwards we climbed into bed and tried to watch Madoka but Emily fell asleep halfway though the first episode we started watching so we declared it sleepytime.

Tomorrow I’m getting up early to do character creation for an upcoming Ryuutama game and then working from home until it becomes tone for No Man’s Sky Couch Streaming times which I am very very super keen for.

Today I ran Scum And Villainy

I slept and then lay in until 11 this morning to avoid getting hungry as it was the back half of a fast and it was kind lovely. Once I was up and about I had some breakfast and then put on some Scum and Villainy vods Android did the dishes and some laundry. One those were done I settled in on the couch to finish reading though the Scum And Villainy which was super intense and took all afternoon but I managed to get all my ducks in a row in time for the game.

The game itself was pretty darn excellent. The characters that the players created are rad as heck and I want to do my best to create the best experience possible for them. I feel like I struggled a little because I was GMing a new game but the responses from the players and audience seemed to suggest I was doing a pretty good job so I’ll trust that.

Tomorrow I’m back at work and I’m actually feeling pretty confident which is a nice change so I’mma try and ride that.

Today I recovered with self care and a partner’s comfort.

The morning started out super lovely with Emily making me eggs and toast for breakfast because we forgot it was a fasting day before heading out to her personal training. However, I wanted to have my long shower today to avoid doing it on an empty stomach and my head space has been pretty rough recently and so shower time ended up being a pretty massive fuckin crash into the despair pit. I managed to complete the shower though and afterwards Emily was there with lots of comfort and love. I was still very fucking shaky for a while but after as the morning moved on, with some nice clothes and makeup, and happy BMO times, and couch cuddles, and love from my Emily, I ended up in a super lovely warm fuzzy happy place instead, which was amazing. I had planned to do organise a part of The Republic today but instead the day became about self care and it was pretty darn effective at that. I managed to edit a bunch of photos that Julia took of me on Thursday which I was really happy with and we watched some Roll20 vods and then I discovered what might be my new favourite roleplaying game: Scum And Villainy. It’s fucking amazing and all the touchstones are my favourite things. I basically spent the rest of the night devouring the text and watching vods of it being actual played and organising to play it tomorrow for the next three weeks on I Am Not Trying To Kill You.

Tomorrow I’m gonna do the dishes and then play Scum And Villainy on stream and I’m so so fucking hype, I can not even explain.

Today (Saturday) I mostly sat at my desk.

I snoozed my 7 am alarm until half past this morning and then dragged myself out of bed and got myself presentable and fed before jumping on stream with Darkest Dungeon. We played that for just over for hours but the last section ended up involving two graphics card crashes which I assume are due to overheating or similar.

After the second my computer didn’t want to start back up but eventually managed to get it going again, at which point my mum turned up to go to the supermarket together, which we did, and it was a bit weird but not as weird as it could have been. Afterwards I spent a little time playing with BMO to calm my nerves and then headed back to my desk where I fixed a couple of issues with Monadnock and some phrasing stuff in The Republic and then watched a little bit of Adam vods to again helped calm my shell shocked nerves. Eventually though Emily and Dave returned from their massive hike and Emily and I had cheesy pasta for dinner and watched Madoka which I’m super enjoying.

Tomorrow it doesn’t look like we’re playing Torchbearer so we might be playtesting The Republic in the afternoon. We’ll see.

Today I worked a little too long.

I worked from home this morning and was having trouble being productive. Dave arrived for coworking and we were going to do Monadnock work after I finished work at 2:30. In the end though people kept asking me questions and getting me to do small take so that I didn’t actually finish up until nearly four. Dave, Emily, and I had time for a quick round of Codenames: pictures before we jumped in the car to drop Emily off at her mum’s for the night, on the way back to our place we grabbed some chicken and chips for dinner and then watched some YouTube on the couch while we ate it and then finally got around to getting some Monadnock work done. Once we were too tired to write good code though we retired back to the couch to watch some robot wars until it was time for Dave to head home and for be up hit the sack.

Tomorrow I’m gonna be very tired as I have to be up early to get ready for streaming and I’ve ended up still awake at a silly hour.

Today (Thursday) I got to be a model.

This morning I had to drive into work and was only they’re for about an hour before I had to drive out to a client’s site to deliver some training.

During that hour I managed to knock out an important testing call and then I did really well delivering the training at the client site. In fact, we actually finished early.

I headed home but ended up at Julia’s place because that’s where Emily was and ate snacks and have myself trans pride makeup and then ended up getting photographed by Julia which was really fun. I’m really enjoy omg learning the skills of both taking pictures and also being in them. I’ve gotten to the point now where modelling feels like a skill I could work at improving if I wanted to, instead of having no idea and I think I might like to try that some more.

Just as we were about to leave Julia’s place the horrid weather took out the power at her place so we headed back home where there were lights and heaters.

Today I streamed a lot of No Man’s Sky.

I wasn’t super productive at work today but I made a point to be kind to myself today so I didn’t beat myself up about it. Halfway though I had to take a break to go pick up Emily as she’d had a tough appointment and it seemed like a bad idea to make her catch public transport home.

After I finished work we dashed out to get Emily to another appointment and then dashed home in time to start streaming No Man’s Sky at 3:30. It was a really nice chill game to play on stream and Emily joined me on the couch for a bunch of it and joined in the streaming and chatting and it was just so lovely. We ended up going till quarter past ten instead of our planned end time of 7:30.

Tomorrow work is super intimidating, I have a testing and set up call in the morning and then I have to drive to a client to deliver training in the afternoon. At the moment I’m just avoiding thinking about it to make sure I din’t get too freaked out about it.

Today I recovered from a panic attack with help.

This morning it was very dark and rainy, but not super cold or windy which was nice. I wore sneakers and got drive through breakfast and didn’t change into appropriate work shoes when I got to the office.

A little bit before lunch time I started having a panic attack and realised it was happening before it spiralled out of control. I was super annoyed by it because I’m sick of having to deal with mental health stuff affecting my ability to work. I messaged Emily and Dave about it and they were both super lovely and caring and supportive and gave some good prompts which I mostly followed. I headed out, got a couple of things I needed from some shops, and then grabbed some lunch. Food always helps my mood.

The rest of the afternoon was mostly just a single meeting which I actually ended up feeling fine for and then I got to go home and have a cup of tea with Dave and Em before Dave headed home and we went and got burgers and came home and ate them while watching Game of Thrones and then Sense8 which made me cry a LOT.

Tomorrow is a fasting day and I’m working from home which will mostly involve me brushing up my skills with some software so that I can train people in using it on Thursday. In the afternoon, however, I’ll be streaming No Man’s Sky which I’m super excited and hyped for. I’m really loving streaming so much, it’s one of my favourite things at the moment, the fun sharing of the space and experience and the sense of connection and community are just amazing.

Today I struggled early and then recovered and powered through the day.

I had a nice little lie in this morning, not too late, and then was up and had my long shower, after which I was completely exhausted and depressed. I managed to pick myself up though and did some stuff for my mental health, got myself dressed, made up and ready for the day, and then fed BMO and checked the oil and water in the car before going for my usual walk in the gorgeous sun and getting some bakery lunch as a reward. Back at home I ate my tasty bakery lunch and had a sit for a minute and then put on some Roll20 vods to keep me company as I washed the dishes. Once I had those done I had some afternoon tea with Emily and started my GM prep stream. The first half of my GM prep stream actually involved me writing a Twitch chat bot live on stream which was neat but not what I had been intending. After that I did my actual GM prep for the evening’s Apocalypse World game with a break in the middle to help Emily start putting up some curtain rails which we will complete when we have the right drill bits. I ended up doing prep basically right up until it was time to play.

The game itself was fucking hi-octane nonsense from the get-go and only accelerated. The thing I find trickiest about running Apocalypse World is that I find I’m either struggling to find places to push or my pushing has made things happen way too Mitesh and fast. I’m sure it looks great from the outside and I have excellent players along for the ride.

Tomorrow I’m back at work in the city but today’s successes mean I’m not too worried about it for the first time in weeks.

Today I got to catch up with some friends.

I had a lovely sleep in this morning. Once I was up and about we spent a little while watching Adam and Kale wander around a Japanese shrine on twitch while we played with BMO. Around lunch time Simon and Jess rocked up and we headed to the bakery and then came back and spent the afternoon chatting.

Afterwards Emily and I put on some Roll20 vods and chilled out until it was time for me to go pick up a PS4 camera I had organised to buy off a friend so that I can stream PlayStation games. Once I got home we continued watching vods and I worked on fixing up some of the more problematic elements of Dobby, my chat bot.

Tomorrow we’re playing Apocalypse World in the evening and I might do a prep stream in the afternoon, though I’ll need to do the dishes before then.

Today (Saturday) I streamed too long.

I got up early and did all my prep stuff and then when I went to change BMO’s water he climbed up my arm quick as a flash and started giving me kisses. Getting him back in the cage cost me a solid twenty minutes so I started the stream half an hour late. As we went, however, we chatted a LOT. We talked about some trans stuff and some queer stuff and some travel stuff and a lot of food stuff and I only went half an hour over four hours but boy we’re me and my voice exhausted by the end of it. I had a little nap on the couch afterwards and then when Emily got home we went and got bakery lunch.

The rest of the afternoon and evening mostly consisted of watching Roll20 presents The Sprawl and me tinkering with The Republic and Emily mostly resting.

Tomorrow we don’t have much planned which is good cause it’s a fasting day so any achievements at all will count as a major win.

Today (Friday) I added npc stats back into The Republic because I had a migraine.

This morning I headed to the clinic near my house to get a blood test first thing in the morning which took an hour and a half of waiting instead of fifteen minutes and made me late for a work meeting.

Work after that was basically just meetings. Dave rocked up and brought chocolate and we went and got bakery lunch. After work we sat around in the lounge for a bit and I had a nap. Eventually Emily disappeared to her mum’s and Dave and I say and tinkered with our different projects, him with the Monadnock soundtrack and me with The Republic. I started to feel a bit weird after a bit and then worked out that the Chocolate we’d been eating was had triggered a migraine, which I only get from certain foods. We went and got some Chinese takeaway for dinner and agree that and kept working until my head got bad enough that we decided to stop and watch Robot Wars instead.

Tomorrow I’m gonna stream Darkest Dungeon in the morning and maybe do some kind of dev in the afternoon?

Today I left work early.

This morning I was super tired due to incredibly poor sleep last night. I headed into work and had a long conversation with a manager about how I’m handling my stress levels (I’m not but there’s not much they can do about it). I got to listen to Bluejay’s book club stream and then Luke’s game design stream as I worked which was nice but then I ended up having a panic attack from seeing some of the shit people are already having to deal with as plebiscite fallout. I decided that heading home early was a good plan so I left, grabbed some lunch, and caught the train home. I headed around to Julia’s place because that’s where Emily was and we had cookies and tea and Game of Thrones before Emily and I headed back to our own house where we had tasty stew for dinner and then Emily went and did photo editing while I sat on the couch, watched roll20 presents The Sprawl, and worked on The Republic which I made some good progress on.

Tomorrow I’m working from home and Dave is coming over so I’m looking forward to it but I’m also aware that I’m pretty emotionally drained and also depressed right now so I might not be as sociable as I’d like of myself.

Today I had a bath.

This morning I was a little slow to my desk, but once I was there I managed to focus pretty well and just take note of the things I would have been distracted by to deal with later. Despite that however my day was still super anxiety inducing as I was constant being hounded about various problems with a product that I manage. Eventually though the work day was over and I got distracted by Andrew Gilles and John Harper talking about game design on stream for so long that I didn’t actually get around to my own Darkest Dungeon stream until 4. I streamed for most of the evening and made some progress in Darkest Dungeon, though the Hag wrecked me again. Afterwards I ended up having a nice bath and listening to Campaign Podcast to try and relax and get shed some stress points of my own which worked to a certain degree.

Tomorrow I’m working in the city and I’m so not looking forward to it but hopefully I’ll just be able to dissociate the whole day away or something. I should probably be hoping to be able to focus on my work and solve my problems but I don’t think I’m anywhere near a headspace that healthy at the moment.

Today I went to family dinner.

This morning I was surprised how quickly I got ready for work considering how rough my headspace was. I even managed to catch an earlier train than usual, though it arrives the same time as my usual train. At work I was depressed and distracted and although I handled a couple of situations well I wasn’t anywhere as near as productive as I should have been. For a while I had Luke’s game design stream on in the background which was lovely to work to and occasionally chime in to, that was probably the most effective part of my day.

Once I got home from work I got to give Dave a hug before he headed off and then Emily and I headed out to my parents’ place for family dinner. Family dinner was actually really calm and it wasn’t until fairly late in the do that my anxiety started kicking up a fuss. The most frustrating thing was actually Evangeline’s adorable puppy that wants from me so much more love than I can give it.

Eventually we did return home after seeing all the holiday photos and decided to call out and early night and climbed into bed to read. Emily with Tumblr and me with Blades In The Dark.

Today I didn’t play any roleplaying games.

I started off the morning super excited about playing Apocalypse World and doing my GM prep on stream but then found out that Jimmy was sick and couldn’t make it. I had a tough time in the shower after breakfast but managed to make my way out with the help of my lovely Emily and solid tunes and then decided, while doing the dishes later to more rad tracks to do a Curse of Strahd/count Dracula style Gothic horror one shot for the evening to make up for it but set entirely to pop music. I spent the afternoon working on finding music for my vampire playlist and trying to find an extra player to fill the gap but as the afternoon wore on the omens few dark, culminating in my own starting to feel ill.

In the end I cancelled I Am Not Trying To Kill You for the night and was pretty heartbroken about it. I had a nap on the couch for a little bit and then decided to spend the evening playing No Man’s Sky then decided to stream it from the Playstation just for the heck of it. In the end I had quite a few people in my chat and we had some great discussion about identity and how it’s explored in speculative fiction.

Tomorrow I’m working in the city which I’m super not looking forward to, I’m feeling really hopeless about work stuff at the moment even though I can’t put my finger on a specific reason why. I really hope I’m either not really sick or that I’m better by tomorrow or else it’s gonna make tomorrow suck.

Today I helped a werewolf find his lost squirrel.

I lay in until 11 this morning and it was pretty nice. Once I was up and about we headed to the shops to grab a couple of things which was pretty unpleasant given the weather. Once we were home though I snuggled up on the couch with a cup of tea and a blanket and read through some more of Blades In The Dark. Eventually it was time for Torchbearer and I had a fun time being at first way quieter than usual and then chasing down a werewolf and then helping him find his lost squirrel. Halfway through while we were on our dinner break Adam streamed himself walking through a graveyard in Akita which was the comfiest, cutest, spoopiest and most fun stream I’ve watched all week and it was great, I loved it.

After we wrapped up Torchbearer climbed into bed and it wasn’t ridiculously late so I got to sit in bed and just read more of Blades which was just a lovely way to wrap up the day.

Today I streamed more Darkest Dungeon.

I was up at the right time and got myself all ready and set up to play Tacoma today and then I started streaming and went to play the game and the performance on my machine was appalling. After a little bit of that I gave up and switched to Emily’s machine to see if it ran better under windows, which it did, but it also then crashed really early on in the game and I got disheartened and gave up and switched to Darkest Dungeon which I then streamed for four hours because that’s how long I like to go for and had no troubles and in fact did quite well.

After that I had a tiny nap before we headed out to Red Poles for the opening of an exhibition which has some of Emily’s art in. We hung around for as long as we felt we were required and then scurried home and put on Roll20 presents The Sprawl, which I maybe dozed off for part of it. Emily made delicious stew for dinner and then hot chocolate for desert and we cuddled on the couch watching things on YouTube for basically the test of the evening which I loved.

Tomorrow is a fasting day and also the return of our Torchbearer game so I’m gonna make sure to structure my food times to provide maximum brain support for roleplaying times. I’m so excited mostly to get to spend time hanging out with the lovely people.

Today I got a bunch of little things done.

Work today continued its trend of being frustrating but I had lovely Emily company and halfway through Dave arrived for coworking and before I knew it the working week was over.

I kept working on my own little projects for a little bit but then decided go and join Emily and Dave in the lounge where they were watching the storm raging outside, though after a little bit of storm watching I maybe fell asleep and napped the afternoon away.

After Emily had headed off to spend the evening at her mum’s, Dave and I grabbed some dinner and then headed back to our desks to get some more work done. I managed to put out the update that I’ve been working on for The Republic, fix and release an update for Boundary Walker, and finish writing a little widget for my website to show when I’m live on Twitch, all in the space of this afternoon and evening, which I’m quite chuffed about. By the end of all that though it had gotten quite late so Dave and I retired to the couch to re-watch some episode of Citation Needed and then, eventually, robot fights. I might have nodded off once or twice during all that but I honestly can’t remember.

Tomorrow I’m streaming in the morning which I’m just super excited about, and then in the afternoon we’re gonna hand wash this darned pile of hand wash only clothes.