Today I saw the Sun reignited.

I was a little slow to start today but I was at my desk nearly on time and managed to get my makeup done in time to go pick up like from the train station. Back at home Emily and like went for an adventure while I concentrated on my work which I managed to actually make good progress on thanks to some solid music in the form of a rad mixtape suggested by Adam.

Once I was done at work we sat and chatted about a bunch of stuff including game design until it was time to leave for the Midwinter Festival. We got fish and chips on the way and then headed quietly into the school. Emily showed us her old classroom and then it was time for the festival.

It was beautiful and magical as it always is and as I always stopped feeling the cold pretty quickly. 

Afterwards Emily went to her mum’s and Luke and I headed back to Aldinga where we met up with Melody and had hot chocolate and chatted about roleplaying games for, like, a bunch of hours until it was bed time.
Tomorrow is a Saturday and I’m really not sure what it looks like right now. It would be nice to visit the markets in the morning but I also need to have my long shower at some point.

Today I made a game using mostly emoji in a couple of hours.

I slept terribly last night so getting up wasn’t great, I made it into work and had to train a new staff member and then had to be on a call that didn’t involve me much so I maybe used the time to create a memory matching game called ๐Ÿ˜โค๐ŸŸ wherein you attempt to match people with the right fish so that they will fall in love.

It’s Here :

The source code is here:

I mention the source code because although it’s a small thing I’m quite proud of the fact that the code uses as much emoji as I think it’s actually possible, mostly for variable names.

I also got to work to the sounds of Adam DJing rap tennis while he played final fantasy which was completely excellent.

After work I headed home and and we got takeaway dinner and played WoW with Alison for a couple of hours before heading to bed for an attempted early night.

Tomorrow I’m working from home and our friend Luke is coming to visit and also maybe melody and I’m super excited! I just hope I don’t get weird and grumpy cause it’s a fasting day.

Today I held myself up.

This morning I didn’t bother with makeup and worked from home while Emily was out. I was pretty ineffectual at work but I manage to make sure I peeled myself back from moments when my mental health started to turn sour. After Emily arrived home and I finished up work I made some cup-a-soup for lunch, fed BMO and then washed the dishes and cleaned the kitchen. Once that was done we headed out to the shops. On the drive there we talked about some stuff on related to Emily’s panic attack last night and during the course of the discussion I got more hurt than I have in a long time but after Emily grabbed the things we needed from the shops and came back to the car she pretty quickly put things straight. Back at home Emily diarized while I got distracted by the internet and then we both ended up sending helpful videos back and forth over riot chat until it was time for dinner. We watched some YouTube as we ate and then Emily went to have a solstice bath. I kept watching YouTube but I felt like not doing something for the solstice was playing into my depression’s hands. It was cold outside and I wasn’t sure of any small ritual I could perform so instead I drew a small sketch of myself and the moon.

I was actually surprised by the drawing as the style is not my usual style but the picture just kind of emerged from me which was weird and nice and it was great because I felt like I’d achieved some small something to mark the solstice.

Tomorrow I’m working in the city and I’m already wondering if there’s a way I can find somewhere to make me a horchata or a white hot chocolate or something.

Today I got to see lovely people.

Emily caught the train in to town with me today but got off early to head around to Dave and Sarah’s place for the day. I went in to work and wasn’t very productive. I went from sleepy to anxious to panic attack over the lead up to lunch and then ended up crying in the lunch room because my panic attack broke when I read a story in Tumblr about a mum bring proud of her Changeling daughter. Afterwards I went back to being tired and then caught the train and got picked up by Dave and Emily and went back to Dave and Sarah’s place for the evening where we had a tasty takeaway dinner, chats about robots and trans stuff and listened to some music. Eventually Dave have us a lift back to Seaford and we drove home and then spent a little bit of time before bed with me helping Emily deal with a little bit of emotional stuff she’d been struggling with which reminded me that I do actually bring value to my relationships and that my loved ones actually love me for reasons which is a lesson I always have trouble holding on to.

Tomorrow I’m working from home and it’s gonna be a fasting day but mostly I’m looking forward to playing WoW in the evening with Alison.

Today I started the Apocalypse.

This morning I had my long shower, had a “not a real person attack”, and was grateful to have Emily around to help me through it. I’m confident I would have been able to make it through on my own but it was easier and quicker with her assistance.

Once we were dressed we had some breakfast as we watched the end of The Sacrifice which was stunning and then we immediately started watching Stalker. That whole goddamn film is utterly Amazing but part one was a bizarrely intense experience for me, it was like Tarkovsky reached through the screen and inside me, took part of something that makes me who I am, something to do with engines and fields and rust, and pulled it out onto his screen to play it before me like an imitation of those dreams of my childhood but somehow more perfect than they ever were before.

By the time stalker finished, leaving me agog, it was the early evening so I set about to read through as much of Apocalypse World 2nd edition as I could before the game. I read through as much as I felt I needed, got my makeup and streaming set up organised and it was time to stream our session 0 of Apocalypse World. The first session was definitely excellent. I think the world we’ve created is really fascinating but I’m also totally intimidated by it. I’m gonna have to work my brain real hard to make it barf forth apocalyptica for this world and I’m also gonna have to do a bunch of research into the dreaming stories of different australian indigenous nations. Ultimately, though, if I can pull this off it will be fucking great.

Tomorrow I’m working in the city but then going to visit Dave and Sarah in the evening with Emily which I’m slightly nervous about because my mental health has been so rocky lately, especially with those sorts of social situations, but I’m also super looking forward to seeing them so I’m gonna do the thing and trust myself to have a nice time.

Today I had chocolate cake.

We weren’t quick to start this morning, but while we were lazing in bed we decided that we should go on a little date to get chocolate cake for breakfast together this morning. We managed to get to Bracegirdle’s at around midday so we decided we should get an actual meal to go with our chocolate cake but then or actual meals were so big that we didn’t have room for cake so we took it with us. We stopped in for some groceries on the way home and then tidied the house a bit before Alison and Bear arrived for some Dungeons And Dragons. Our DnD game was great today with awesome set pieces, great drama and a really fun combat and we even managed to finish at a reasonable hour.

Tomorrow we’re gonna try and tidy the house some more and then do session zero of Apocalypse World on stream.

Today I got given the feels by Emily’s GMing.

Emily got up at seven I got up at eight, we joined Dave on the couch and then didn’t bother to actually make breakfast until nearly midday. The combination of nice couch chillout time, the smell of bacony breakfast being cooked for me, noticing my own waist, and the nice strawberry shaving soap Emily bought me actually created one of the least dysphoria inducing showers I’ve had in a really long time. It was amazing. After breakfast we just hung out in the lounge some more, I played some Overwatch, and then it was suddenly time for Dave to go home and got us to play Torchbearer.

I was expecting today’s Torchbearer game to be good but I wasn’t ready for exactly how good. They’re was an awesome fight scene and then some crazy intense feels times when my teen necromancer Ana finally found her long lost older brother and discovered things aren’t as simple as she was choosing to assume they were. I managed not to cry which was a legit concern for a bit there.

Afterwards I did a little bit of work on Dobby for a couple of hours, hopefully making his Twitter presence less likely to get banned again before joining Emily in bed for a mini Brooklyn Nine Nine marathon before sleep.

Tomorrow we’re gonna play DnD. Hopefully we also get around to some house tidying before that but I did promise Emily that I’d take her somewhere with chocolate cake so that takes precedence.

Today I finished The Last Guardian.

This morning I got myself sorted and ready and at my desk by eight thirty in time to listen in on a sales call which was then directly followed by a team meeting. Dave came over for a coworking day and I made good progress on some user interface stuff I was working on and got to watch Adam’s photo editing stream while I was at it which is always really relaxing. After work I went to go and visit my parents to say goodbye before they leave for their Europe vacation which was nice and then managed to make it back home in time to join another work sales call. After the sales call was done I was properly finished work for the day. Dave hadn’t seen Heima which is one of Emily’s favourite films and we haven’t seen it with a nice sound system so we put that on and watched it and then went and got fish and chips for dinner and continued the Iceland theme by watching all of Emily’s film stuff from her 2014 Iceland residency. We didn’t really want to leave the couch after that so we all just chilled some more while I played The Last Guardian and we all drank a lot of tea and hot chocolate and suddenly it was three in the morning. Dave slept on the couch. The Last Guardian was infuriating a bunch of times but ultimately amazing.

Tomorrow we’re gonna have a fry up breakfast in the morning and torchbearer in the afternoon and it’s gonna be lovely.

Today is BMO’s unofficial birthday. It’s been two years since I found this grease covered featherbab exhausted on a train station fence and took him home to look after him for the night.

He’s grown a lot in that time. He’s become a bigger, more colourful, terrible screeching screaming biting sky goblin but he’s also still my beautiful birbson and I love him.

Today I finished the Fall Of Magic stream.

This morning Emily came on the train into work with me and we picked up Bear from the Noarlunga station on the way. At work I was able to perform a software upgrade while watching Adam stream the first episode of his NiER Automata series which was really nice. The rest of the day I mostly focused on a couple of tickets and a bunch of product development and managed to keep my mood pretty good until lunch time after which it started to crash partly due to the difficulty in finding a good lunch. After work Emily and Bear came and found me with some dinner to eat on the train and we headed home. We picked up Emily’s mum’s cat and finches on the way home to look after them for the weekend and then got home and streamed Fall Of Magic on I Am Not Trying To Kill You. I was worried about the game seeming rushed due to scheduling and time management issues but I think in the end we told a neat little story.

Tomorrow I have to be up early to listen in on a sales call, Dave is coming over for a coworking day, I’m gonna go have lunch with my dad, and then come home and do more work and listen in on another sales call. It’s gonna be a little busy for me and I really hope I don’t start being horrible to people because it’s also a fasting day.

Today I watched half a Tarkovsky.

This morning I woke up before the alarm, got myself sorted and headed to my desk. At work I kind of pottered through some tickets and stuff and eventually resolved a couple of issues. After work I headed out to pick Emily up from an appointment, we went and grabbed some groceries, and then at home watched Court of Swords and then the first half of The Sacrifice which was really provoking in some unexpected ways for me and I found myself taking notes of the thoughts I was having in response to the film which is an experience I’ve not had in a long time.

Tomorrow I am working in the city and then coming straight home to stream the second half of The Fall Of Magic on I Am Not Trying To Kill You which is gonna be tight as heck but I think I can manage it.

Today I watched the Playstation E3 show at work.

This morning Emily came into town with me on the train. At work I didn’t have too much to do so when the Playstation show at E3 started I grabbed my morning tea, queued up a bunch of boring paperwork, and then processed it as I watched the hour of playstationyness. The things I was most excited about, specifically, Uncharted the Lost Legacy and horizon zero dawn stuff were all frontlines and a lot of the stuff people got hype about after that I didn’t care for. I was sad not to see more about the Last Of Us part 2. After that show the rest of the day was mostly just working on product development which I quite enjoy. After work Dave drove us to the game dev meetup in Goodwood which was really pleasant but a bit cold. Eventually we headed home after socialising to at least my limit and Dave came in for a cup of tea which turned into hanging out and chilling until way too late in the evening but it was really nice.

Tomorrow I’m working from home. I’m not sure what else to expect from it. I’ll probably be moody due to being both tired and hungry.

Today I made a Trello board.

We slept in a little, I got up and had my long shower while Emily had a bath, it was fucking exhausting. We had breakfast and then I tried to do some work on Monadnock, realised I didn’t know where to start, and made a Trello board instead and blamed Dave for it. I opened several thread of potential productivity, had a minor lockup, and then decided to play Overwatch instead. I scored a couple of loot boxes, which, following current trends, contained mostly trash, and then went about doing my makeup and getting set up for streaming. Unfortunately one of our players wasn’t able to play today so the stream ended up being cancelled for a later date. Instead I watched The Sprawl vods and painted my nails and then Em and I watched American Gods together before bed.

Tomorrow I’m heading back into work in the city but I’m looking forward to it because afterwards Emily and Dave and I are all going to Arggg for the evening which should be lovely.

Today I got the dishes done.

This morning we got up in the cold and went out to breakfast at Bracegirdle’s with Emily’s dad which was super lovely. Afterwards Emily and her dad went to do cool photography things. At home I really struggled to stay awake but eventually summoned myself up and managed to wash the week’s worth of dishes which had been bugging me. After those were sorted though I put on some Roll20 vods and then half dozed on the couch until Emily got home. I managed to rush out and grab a snack lunch and then it was time for Torchbearer. 

Torchbearer today was tricky. Emily hadn’t had time to prep and so we decided to do flashbacks instead of continuing the current story. I got a bit frustrated during some of the flashbacks when I felt like players weren’t working towards the conclusions and goals of the scenes that were framed but I made a point of not complaining during play because they were all having fun playing a different style of game to what is my personal preference and then I discussed it during a break and in the last scene got to push things towards epic drama and serious resolution and ended the game on a total high note.

Tomorrow we’re finishing The Fall Of Magic on I Am Not Trying To Kill You but the morning is free to try and be productive on gamedev stuff with.

Today I did a lot of driving to and fro.

I was woken rudely from my Saturday morning snoozing in this morning by Emily ringing to request that I deliver to her the items she had forgotten and needed for her market stall. I showered, dressed, feed the bird, and took selfies and posted them to Twitter to fight my dysphoria and made my way to her with the required equipment.

Once there we went and grabbed some morning tea together before I headed back home. I was feeling super sleepy on the way home, probably due to being interrupted from my rest this morning. I made a deal with myself that if I could put away the clean dishes and put a load of laundry in the machine then I could have a nap and I followed through on that deal.

I was woken from my slumber, this time by the end of the laundry cycle, just in time to leave the house to pick Emily up from her now completed market. We headed home and then, while parked in the driveway, had a lengthy discussion about some of the mental health and relationship issues we’re dealing with at the moment. It was very productive. Afterwards, I hung out the laundry to dry and we went and collected some late lunch from the bakery and then immediately got back in the car to drop Emily at a concert she was to attend. I headed home, wrapped a gift for my aunt, fixed my makeup, and played a few rounds of Overwatch until it was time again to pick Emily up, post concert. We went from the concert straight to Russell’s Pizza for my aunt’s birthday celebration which, after delicious pizza, continued at my parents’ home with cake and tea. It was an excellent opportunity to catch up with my cousins whom I feel I don’t get to see enough and everyone was very pleasant and had a nice time. Once Emily and I returned home we clambered into bed to watch Brooklyn Nine Nine together until it was sleeping time.

Tomorrow we’re seeing Emily’s dad in the morning and playing Torchbearer in the evening, both of which I’m looking forward to and expect will be lovely.

Today I got five loot boxes in Overwatch.

This morning I worked from home and managed to get a lot done on a project that isn’t a top priority but at least I got something productive done. During that time Dave arrived for coworking and Emily got home from personal training both of which were nice. Emily’s arms are getting real good. I finished work at three today and then I played a little Overwatch until it was suddenly time for us to drop Emily off at her mum’s for the evening. Dave and I went and got fish and chips for dinner and then came back and watched a little YouTube, managed to do some work on Monadnock, and then crashed back on the couch for more Overwatch time until it was very late and time to go to bed.

Tomorrow has lots of stuff in it but none of it is a problem, it’s just about making time and getting from place to place.

Today I had a couple of panic attacks.

It’s cold at the moment and it’s horrid. I wore heels to work so I wouldn’t get wet feet from the holes in my flats but I haven’t worn those heels in ages and they don’t fit as well as they used to so the discomfort of the heels easily outweighed soggy feet. At work I wasn’t super focused but I also wasn’t super worried about it which was good because apparently I had plenty of worrying to do already anyway. Apparently from about midday my body/brain decided that I needed a solid fucking dose of junk related dysphoria and discomfort to the point where I had at least two panic attacks at work, one of which was a doozy and then another when I got home. At least at home I had a lovely wife to help me through it even if I was bad at letting her do so. The rest of the evening at home was spent going looking for the mysterious donut place and being disappointed and playing WoW with Alison and having a great time.

Tomorrow I’m working from home and it will be a fasting day which will be tough but Dave will be coming around for coworking which is always nice.

Today I played Overwatch.

This morning I felt alright and although I wasn’t very productive at work I didn’t feel like I suffered through it much. After work I set the Overwatch update downloading and then took Emily to her chiropractor’s appointment and then once we were back I started Rockin my D.VA main. Just as we were finishing dinner Dave rocked up for some impromptu hanging out time. I played a bunch more Overwatch and got two shit loot crates, before we decided to just chill out and watch British panel shows on YouTube until it was time for us to go to bed and Dave to go home.

Tomorrow I’ve got a full day at work but mostly I’m excited about eating. I really want a croissant?

Today I swore a lot at work.

I was so tired this morning from intense dreaming and then didn’t get much rest from napping on the train. At work I was apparently excellent at delivering training and then spent the rest of the day dealing with a client that repeatedly misgendered me to other people over the phone and then when I asked them for a text document of account codes took a screenshot of their accountโ€‹s screen and then printed it out over two pages, scribbled some things out and added other things in in pen, scanned it and emailed that to me. If course I wouldn’t have been taking to them if they hadn’t configured their account incorrectly and then yelled at us for nine months about how the product wasn’t working properly and then lied about what the errors they were receiving were.

Eventually I headed home and got abused by the hate preachers that had set up yelling at passers by in front of the train station so I made sure to report them to station security. After arriving at Seaford station I was climbing the stairs that were being blocked by three bogan dropout boys discussing the fact that they needed a lighter to “spark a fuckin durry”. One noticed that he was blocking my way up the stairs and met my eye long enough to receive and infernal death stare which may have very nearly killed him because he jumped straight out of the way with a quick smart “sorry, miss”. It was followed with a “got a lighter?” But he was reprimanded by one of his mates saying “ya fuckin idiot, you’re supposed to be polite to ladies.”

Back at home Emily and I set up on the couch and spent the evening watching Dr. Strange which I loved and the first half of Star Trek: Into Darkness which I am loving even more. I changed into my onesie Ankit half way through and spent most of the time cuddling Emily as much as watching the films would allow.

Tomorrow is a fasting day and I’m working from home. I’m hoping I can find enough to do in the second half of the day that I will be capable of that it feels productive.

Today I managed to get my shit together in time to stream.

We woke up at Dave and Sarah’s place at like, nineish? They made us an amazing fry up breakfast and then we had a secondary meeting about Monadnock sound before Emily and I finally managed to drag ourselves home. We managed showering, clothes, a quick trip to the shops, a load of laundry, and make-up before it was time to get ourselves on stream. We played the first half of Fall Of Magic for today’s stream in today’s game and despite some technical difficulties early on it was a great time. Jess was being called in at the last minute because I forgot to organise a fourth player before today but she and Karri both stepped up and now I’m super excited for the conclusion next week.

Tomorrow it’s back to work and I have some training I have to deliver first thing in the morning so I’m hoping I get a decent night’s rest tonight to make up for last night so I am awake enough to teach.

Today I got kept up late by Dave and Sarah.

We hung out in the warm bed for a fair while this morning and then when we finally emerged I went straight from lazing in the warm bed to lazing in the warm bath. Eventually we got ourselves dressed and ready to leave the house and grabbed some quick lunch on the way to Dave and Sarah’s place.

At Dave and Sarah’s we managed to do some really good planning for Monadnock, especially around audio stuff and then basically just kept hanging out afterwards. We ended up being there chatting and hanging out until super late and it was SO NICE and just super valuable time, but we didn’t end up sleeping until we crashed on their futon at like 2:30am. Again.

Tomorrow I’m glad I only have to be ready to run a game on stream in the evening because the first half of the day is going to be spent slowly waking up.

Today I ran Dungeons and Dragons really well.

This morning it was cold so I wasn’t out of bed till eleven. I had a long shower and put together and outfit of black and yellow as a hazard warning for my players and then Emily and I went and got a lovely bakery lunch together. On the way back from the bakery we caught up with Alison and Bear, headed back to ours together and then played DnD until late. It was a great game and I’m particularly proud of myself for both at least one really good combat encounter, and also really passionately portraying a really evocative location.

Tomorrow we’re gonna go visit Dave and Sarah because we need to talk about Monadnock with Dave and seeing both of them is super nice.

Today I kind of idled through.

I wasn’t happy about getting up this morning in the cold but I just did it. Emily very helpfully organised some clothes for me, and I got myself ready and off to work on time.

I drank a flask of tea for breakfast and morning tea, we had a team meeting, I prepared for some training on Tuesday and then headed home. 

At home Emily and Dave had set up the Playstation with a fancy new sound system that Dave had spare so for summer reason that meant I ended up playing No Man’s Sky for the evening until my brain got too tired and I put on Adam vods and then proceeded to talk over them about Monadnock with Dave until he had to go home.

Tomorrow we’re playing DnD with Bear and Alison and I don’t have many thoughts about it other than that.

Today I got the hiccups.

I was so cold and tired and hungry and nauseous this morning as I was getting ready but then when I got it my car, the windscreen was frozen over so the amusing farce of defrosting it made me giggle a little. Then I got drive through breakfast and it was warm in my car and the winter dawn sun was beautiful and I had happy music playing on my car stereo and it was lovely. I even got to see Damon to catch up over morning tea once I was at work. Around midday though I started to crash and I struggled to even get myself up from my desk to get lunch. When I got the hiccups at four o’clock I gave it half an hour and then left work because couldn’t think for hiccuping. I feel asleep on the train home which gave me a break from the hiccuping for a bit but they came back a little later while we were out getting Indian for dinner. Back at home I worked on my website while watching Adam’s Court of Swords GM prep stream and huddling on the couch hiccuping and being thankful for the small gaps in which it would stop. It seems now that they’ve stopped properly but it was pretty much five hours of spasms this evening. I hate the hiccups and if I never hiccup again I’ll be glad.

Tomorrow is a short Friday but also a team meeting so I still have to go to work in the city, which will likely suck due to it being a fasting day.