Today I managed to send emails.
I was slow to start again today but managed to have a long shower
Today I managed to send emails.
I was slow to start again today but managed to have a long shower
Today I wasn’t much fun but I managed to send emails.
I had a long shower this morning, after a lot of procrastination and it was pretty rough but it didn’t completely knock me out. I managed to send a few big important emails which was good. I dabbled around during the day otherwise and watched some streams and then Dave and I went for a walk after dropping Emily to her mum’s and spent the evening watching a nature documentary and playing Assassin’s Creed Black Flag.
Tomorrow I’m streaming in the morning and Damon is coming to visit in the evening which will be lovely.
Today I was at least not so sad.
I was still super low energy and tired but I managed to get some small tasks completed. In the evening Hen had dinner with us which was delicious and then Emily and I spent the rest of the evening watching The Expanse which we’re really digging.
Tomorrow I’m gonna chase leads and try to work out where I’m at.
Today I let myself be depressed.
I felt fine getting up and having breakfast this morning but after that my most warned me that it was gonna struggle with a shower. I attempted a shower anyway and managed to get through it but crashed immediately after and spent an age alternately sobbing and being catatonic. I managed to get myself together eventually and got a bit of work done at my desk but then by body decided that crashing into torpor on the couch was a good idea and that lasted until Emily got home. Once Emily was home we ate and ran some errands and then came home for a Cave Date Minecraft stream with Andrew which was extremely lovely.
Today I worked on spare tasks.
I wanted to get down to work hard today on some of the paid games stuff I thought I’d be doing but delays and things meant that I couldn’t do any of that. So instead I helped Emily with her website, got most of the dishes done, posted updates to my Patreon, fixed up some RPG stuff, and ran a playtest of In Which We Live And Breathe. The playtest was really freakin rad and I’m so glad to see the game working as well as it did. It feels like the game is through its initial trial by fire and is now something rad worth continuing.
Tomorrow I’m hoping to hear from people who make decisions about whether they want to pay me to do work, and, honestly, it’s terrifying cause it feels like my future is in their hands. If I can get enough games work to support myself it feels like I might be able to pull myself out of this burnout and depression spiral, if I have to go back to mostly working my day job I’m not really sure how I’ll cope.
Today I ran Goblin Heart (https://acegiak.net/2017/12/30/goblin-heart/) for a bunch of people I love.
I was genuinely surprised how well it worked and did the things we wanted it to do and it was so lovely to get to play with so many of my beautiful friends who all seemed to have such a great time. We had delicious bakery lunch and then later I MIGHT have wasted an hour of everyone’s time with a shaggy dog story. Dave wrote me a note about it.
The day was all just so much fun and my heart is just so full of love now. Thankyou so much to the beautiful friends that made today amazing. ❤💕
So BlackwoolHoliday now has a fan on, a dreamcatcher, AND a salt lamp. If she doesn’t sleep like a BABE, I don’t know what’s happening.
Today it was my birthday and I streamed for 13 hours. I was up around eight thirty and opened my present from Emily. An amazing dress that I decided I had to wear today. We started streaming around half past ten and played Across The Endless Sea with Emily and Elf and Andrew and then Andrew and Emily continued on with me for four hours of Minecraft and a cake for lunch. Then by that time it was dinner time so we got pizza and played DungeonWorld with Emily and Luke and Melody which was super great and a lovely way to round out the evening. I ate so many tasty things and I’m so exhausted but I had such a nice time and it was so lovely to get to spend time with the people who joined me on stream and all the amazing people in my chat and the people who came and visited to give me a hug even if only briefly. What a great birthday! Tomorrow Dave is coming around for coworking and the weather is gonna be real nice so I’m gonna try and get good work done and then relax.
On Tuesday I didn’t get enough work done. I spent most of the day feeling nervous about the work I needed to get done and then distracting myself so eventually when the end of the workday rocked around I hadn’t really achieved anything. Luckily for me though after work I got to meet up with Melody and go hang out at her place for the evening which was really lovely and relaxing and I got to see Sarah and it was just a really nice time.
On Wednesday I watched a speedrun.
I wasn’t super on task during the working part of the day but I managed to get enough done to feel slightly less panicky. After work Emily and I did a space date No Man’s Sky stream together which was really super lovely with great chat. Afterwards Emily headed out for the evening and I went and got fish and chips for dinner and ate them while watching a Crash Bandicoot 2 speedrun which is the first time I’ve ever really bothered to watch a whole speedrun but it was really interesting because it’s a game I’ve played a lot and have feelings about.
On Saturday I mostly chilled out.
In the morning I was up early for my Hand Of Fate 2 stream which was really fun despite the game being quite difficult. In the evening we watched all of the remaining episodes of Stranger Things Season Two which was great, though not as tight as the first season.
On Sunday I played a lots of amazing roleplaying games.
We delayed our start with Girl By Moonlight by an hour which meant that Melody could come down and play from our place and Andrew had enough time to get settled which was really good. The game itself was amazing and had some really solid deep roleplaying and I felt like I did really well on the sensory descriptions of my scenes. Afterwards Emily and Melody and I headed out to the bakery for lunch and then in the evening Emily and I played Stonetop with Luke and Liam online and I really enjoyed it. I loved playing my character and the game flows so nicely. It was just great.
Today, Monday, I slept through half the day.
It was really warm today so I put a load of laundry on early and then we headed out to the shops to grab some essentials. Back at home we spent most of the rest of the day watching Court Of Swords and I alternated between doing the dishes and napping on the couch. Eventually in the evening though I had a shower and put on my makeup and ran what was a pretty good episode of Alas For The Awful Sea on stream which was really fun.
Tomorrow I’m working in the city but I get to see Melody in the evening which will be nice.
Today I got some tasks done.
I got up a little early today, had my long shower, got dressed and then made breakfasts for Em and I and then managed to feed BMO and the finches and clean the kitchen and toilet before work. Work itself was mostly a bust where I couldn’t get things done for most of the day but I managed to sort out a little more of my birthday stuff so that was a win. Plus Dave arrived for coworking which was nice. After work I managed to make some progress on some commissioned work I’ve got and we ate some of the strawberry and rhubarb pie Emily baked and drank chai and then Emily headed off to her mum’s for the night.
Dave and I went for a walk after seeing Emily off and wound up at Fridays after five and got some dinner before heading back to the house to spend the evening sleepily watching Robot Wars and Adam Savage videos.
Tomorrow I’m gonna play some Hand Of Fate 2 on stream in the morning and then I’m honestly not sure what happens after that.
Today I had the second most tough mental health struggle.
I worked from home today because my headspace was really shaky and it didn’t improve much but watching Adam and Bluejay and Elf stream really helped me stay afloat. Emily was out most of the day having to deal with some super tough stuff so when she got home it was nice to be able to make tasty pasta for dinner and sit and watch Stranger Things and then Thomas Sanders videos all evening.
Tomorrow Dave is coming round and I’m working from home and hopefully getting some cleaning done.
On Saturday I played Hand Of Fate 2 on stream in the morning which was super neat. After my stream Dave turned up and the three of us had chai before I headed out to a doctor’s appointment which ended up being super late. After the doctor’s appointment I headed around to Simon and Jess’s and we had dinner and talked shit until 2am and then I crashed there on their spare bed.
On Sunday I had a nice lazy morning, having home made English muffins with Simon and Jess for breakfast and then ambling my way home after that. I’m not sure what happened to the rest of that day but I’m pretty sure it was mostly just chilling out.
On Monday I got shut down with a migraine. I spent basically the whole day napping today, apart from managing to get a load of laundry done and putting away the clean dishes. We started playing Alas For The Awful Sea on stream but Hayley’s technical difficulties and my growing headache meant that we cut it out after an hour and a half and then I spent the rest of the evening on the couch with a wet cloth over my eyes.
On Tuesday I had a diagnostic psych session. I only worked till lunch time and a bunch of that was meetings but after that I headed to Flinders and met up with Emily and spent a bit over an hour unearthing and digging through my trauma and mental health issues. Afterwards we went and got frozen yoghurt as a reward and then I went and spent the evening hanging out with Melody.
Today (Wednesday) we found out the results of the Marriage Equality survey. They came back positive and we should have Marriage Equality by Christmas but it was a pretty emotional time. After work we ran an errand and then spent the evening playing Minecraft on stream with Andrew which is always such a gosh darn lovely time.
Today I was mostly on twitch.
I was super tired this morning but headed into work where my mood got all whack but I managed to get work done anyway, though I also had Adam and Bluejay’s streams in for company the whole time. After work I came home and ran Scum And Villainy which was probably a little more ridiculous than I would have liked but was ultimately a really fun game and I love seeing the faces of all those players and getting to play with them.
Tomorrow I’m working from home and Dave is coming around. I’m hoping I don’t have to contend with these shit feelings from nowhere again.
Today I floated over my roughness.
My mood was kinda out of whack today but I managed to get a decent amount of work done just nursing myself through it. After work we popped down to the post office and then came home where I napped for a while until it was time to stream. The No Man’s Sky stream with Emily was super lovely. Chat was super involved and lovely and we found some cool stuff and afterwards I got to just chill out and watch Jaime’s stream till bed time.
Tomorrow I’m working in the city again and then I get to run Scum And Villainy in the evening.
Today I got to hang out with Melody.
This morning I was super tired but I managed to get myself moving and drove into the city for work and did a pretty good job of focusing on the task at hand for the day and making progress on the project I’m working on.
Afterwards Melody met me outside my work and we drove to her place and spent the evening eating pasta and chatting and watching Overwatch shorts on YouTube.
Tomorrow I’m working from home and then streaming with Emily but it will a fasting day which will suck a little.
Today’s I streamed for ten hours.
I was a little slow getting ready this morning but I managed to be on stream only fifteen minutes late. I managed to get up to the final card in Hand Of Fate but after playing for six hours I couldn’t beat it so now I have the dilemma of whether or not I spend another stream trying to defeat that last card boss or do I just start afresh with Hand Of Fate 2 for my next PC stream?
Afterwards I napped hard on the couch for a few hours and then managed to get the dishes done quickly enough to allow myself time to prep for Alas For The Awful Sea.
Our Alas game this evening was actually awesome. We built some excellent characters and I found my feet GMing it pretty quickly. I’m super keen to see how the game carries on from over the next few sessions.
Tomorrow I’m working in the city but I am feeling confident about my ability to get things done and then in the evening I get to go hang out with Melody and maybe Sarah.
Today I went on a scavenger hunt.
This morning I woke up to a reminder that today was Sarah’s J’s birthday party so I moved my streaming plans to tomorrow, spent the morning in bed trying to nurse my headspace into a good place and then, after we’d done The grocery shopping, I headed into the city. The party was mostly a picnic gathering with a ridiculous amount of baked goods and snacks. There was, however, a photo scavenger hunt so Genevieve, Josh and I formed a team and went and took photos of an ugly heritage building, our band EP cover, a cursed image, ugly Christmas decorations, and reenactments of film scenes.
Afterwards we picniced some more until it was finally time to head home where Emily and I had a lovely dinner together and started the new series of Stranger Things. The whole party was a super lovely time and I really like all those people and then it was really nice to come home to a lovely evening with Emily.
Tomorrow I’m gonna stream hand of fate in the morning and then alas for the awful sea in the evening.
Today I played roleplaying games all day.
I had a really hard time getting up and motivated this morning but I managed to shower and dress and take my meds and some food and do a load of laundry and feed and water most of the birds before our first game which I count as a pretty good set.
I was worried about running girl by moonlight today because we’ve had a break and I didn’t get to go over my thoughts beforehand but the game ended up being really good anyway, partially due to good design, partially due to the skill of the other players, and partially due to my GM on the fly skills. Afterwards I had a quick nap and then we did session zero of a DungeonWorld hack called Stonetop and I’m honestly so excited for this game now, the characters and our version of Stonetop we’ve created are SO GOOD. I can’t wait for the two weeks before our episode One.
Tomorrow I’m gonna play some video games on stream and try not get some resting done.
Today I achieved a bunch of solid small victories.
I got up at seven thirty this morning, got ready and managed to get the dishes done before starting work at nine. At work I managed to remain focused and make some major progress with the project I’m working on. While I was working Dave arrived for a coworking day and then when I finished work for the day I went for my walk. After I got back we all had chai together and then shortly after Emily’s mum came and picked her up and then Dave and I headed to Fridays After Five, a local weekly market that pops up during the warmer months. We got some dinner and also some candles and then came home and basically spent the evening watching Adam Savage workshop videos on YouTube until late.
Tomorrow I am running episode Two of our girl by moonlight game and hopefully organising Monday’s game.
Today I managed to get a bit of work done.
This morning I was SO TIRED getting up and that didn’t really abate for the rest of the day but I headed into work, watched some of Adam’s birthday stream, and also some Bluejay, got some work done, tried not to panic, and headed home. For dinner we headed around to my parents’ place where we played Finska (I won) and then had lasagne and tea which mum chose not to strain because she “likes it with the leaves in”?
After we finally left my parents’ place we headed home and I headed straight to bed due to tiredness.
Tomorrow I’m working from home and Dave is coming round and I’m gonna go for a walk and I’m actually looking forward to it all.
Today I tried to get back into my routine.
I had hoped the antidepressants would help me with my focus for work stuff seeing as a friend pointed out that it’s pretty probable that my focus issues are coming from my anxiety but I was pretty distracted today, mostly by Adam’s Wolfenstein stream but also from just feeling super weird again from bumping my meds up to the actual prescribed dose. I did manage to do a load of laundry though, even if I made a lot of weird sounds while I was doing it.
After work I managed to make myself go for a 40 minute walk with my mum which was nice enough and then afterwards Emily and in settled in and spent the evening playing No Man’s Sky on stream which was great, though I crashed a little after we finished.
Tomorrow I’m heading back in to work in the city and I’m feeling pretty grim about it but I’m hoping I can find a sense of ownership over my projects and get the work done.
So for most of games week my server was down so I couldn’t post to my blog and I might not have had the energy to do so even if I could have.
I spent the week in a weird headspace because of the high energy shit I was doing and the fact that I’m still adjusting to my antidepressants.
The first day of GCAP I actually had a massive panic attack and it was really nice to have both Emily and Dave there to take me to a corner, look after me and just generally help me down. The rest of the day did improve except for the part where I lost my phone which we eventually found the next day. I did enjoy getting to hang out at the networking event in the evening and talking to some super lovely people until it was nearly midnight.
The second day of GCAP was still bumpy but definitely smoother than the first. The Australian Game Developer Awards party in the evening which was really lovely. I did the networking I was planning on doing and got to share some lovely moments with amazing people and looked amazing while doing it even if my shoes were murder. Plus a game Damon worked on won an award which was super rad!
Thursday I attended the Women In Games Lunch and then made my way to the Tabletop Game Designers of Australia Devcon evening. One event wasn’t really for me and the other was kinda rubbish and I felt like I would have done better staying home and resting for the day.
Friday was the first day of PAX and I ran my 2017 State Of Queer In Gaming panel and it fuckin rocked and then I ran the con version of The Republic and it ran really nicely, though it’s hard to tell whether that’s due to my game design skills or my GMing skills.
Saturday was mostly me attending panels and running The Republic again and then, back at the apartment spent the evening preparing for the next day’s roleplaying games.
Sunday I was on Twitch’s stage and their main Twitch channel running Dungeons And Dragons for Ashley Jenkins, Mary Kish, Ally McClean, and Rae Johnston and then had to head immediately over to run another game of The Republic, after which I had a small gap for a nap before running Dread in an hour for I Am Not Trying To Kill You Live with Emily, David Hollingworth, and Emma Siu which was in the big Wombat Theatre and also streamed on PAX’s channel. With PAX done we did attend megadev but weren’t there heaps late because despite all the lovely people it was actually a pretty unpleasant environment.
Monday we drove home and I posted a little sermon about coming down from mountain tops on twitter and then we accidentally climbed an actual mountain when we stopped at Mount Zero for lunch.
Tuesday we did our taxes, cleaned the house, rested, and played Mincraft.
It was a massive week and I was a bit weird and kind of out of it for a bunch of it but I also achieved all the things I set out to do with great success so I’m really pretty proud of myself. It was also super super amazing to have both Dave and Emily there to support me all week as I doubt I would have done anywhere near as well without them.
Today (Monday) I went shopping.
This morning we got up and ambled into motion fairly casually and were only slightly late to catch up with Karri. We got crepes together for morning tea and then headed out for proper shopping. We went to an opportunity shop first where I find some amazing shoes that wouldn’t go with anything in my wardrobe but then I found a dress to match so all was well. Then we headed to Muji because we always have to go to Muji and I got some stationary and Emily got some lots of stuff because when would buy that whole store if she could.
After Muji we spent a couple of hours looking for a jacket for karri but they were out of season but I got some nice sunglasses and Emily got some great hats.
Once we were done with shopping though it was time for Dancer’s birthday lunch at a Japanese place with Anna and Alayna that was super nice. After too much Japanese we went and got dessert at a pancake kitchen. Eventually we all headed off. Alayna followed us back to our apartment for a bit and we ended up hanging out and chatting for most of the evening after which Emily and watched a little Netflix before bedtime.
Tomorrow is the first day of GCAP and my impostor syndrome is kicking in pretty hard and leaking into some other mental health shittiness but I’m gonna work hard to overcome that.
Today (Sunday) I drove to Melbourne.
This morning we got up at a not unreasonable hour, I had a long shower, we finished packing and getting the house ready, and then, when Dave arrived, we drove to Melbourne. The drive was surprisingly easy and pleasant and a couple of times we went for an hour or so more than our allotted two hour stints at the wheel. Snacks, music, and good company helped a lot.
When we arrived we had a little trouble navigating Melbourne’s roads but made it safely to our Airbnb which turned out to be AMAZING and we’re super lucky to to have got it. We were all just going around being like “holy shit this is so nice!”
After settling in a little we headed down to a nearby supermarket, got some supplies and then came back and had dinner before slowly making our way to bed.
Tomorrow we’re probably going to catch up with Karri in the morning and then see Dancer for a late lunch in the afternoon.