Today I was sick.

I wasn’t 100% sure I was sick when I got up and showered but I felt tired in a weird enough way that I hedged my bets and decided to work from home today and got an extra hour and a bit of rest before dragging myself to my desk by which point I was sure I was sick. Working through the haze was difficult but possible and I can’t afford to take a whole day off at the moment. I did finish early though because I’ve done overtime for the last few days so it basically balances out.

After work I basically napped until dinner time on the couch and the we spent the whole evening just binging Brooklyn Nine Nine because that’s about all I could manage. At least I got lots of cuddles.

Tomorrow I don’t even know if I’m supposed to be working in the office or from home but I’m gonna work from home regardless. Dave might come around which I think will be nice? Not sure if I want people to see me when I’m sick.

Today I 

I worked from home today which was super frustrating as most of it was spent waiting for downloads to finish and queries to execute and having the goalposts of those queries continually changed.

After work we went and did a big grocery shop and then came home and payed bills. I played The Last Guardian and then we watched a little Brooklyn Nine Nine before retiring early to bed where I sneezed and snuffled a lot and we talked about flirting until too late in the evening.

I hope all these nose issues are just an an allergy or something because I don’t want to be sick but if I’m not feeling well tomorrow I’ll work from home.

Today I think I made a good impression.

I was tired after a night of humidity and horrible sinuses but I got up on time, got my self dressed up good and proper and made it to work plenty on time.

At work I was a little distracted but mostly worked well. I met Peter my new manager who seems nicer in person and seemed to be ok on the trans front. I’m hoping my sniffling through the day wasn’t frustrating as hell. I’m one of those awful people for whom blowing my nose doesn’t really help much. I actually ended up staying a little late and still not finishing the project I was working on but I got a train snack on the way home and came home to my amazing lovely wife. We had a little chat about GRS because it’s been on my mind a lot recently and it was very emotional because we’re both super scared of anything upsetting the status quo and us losing each other. After dinner though I was just exhausted so we watched Star Trek and Brooklyn Nine Nine until it was time for bed.

Tomorrow I’m working from home and hoping my sneezes and sniffles don’t annoy BMO into continual screaming.

Today I did a lot of word processing.

This morning we had a bit more of a sleep in and a nice slow breakfast. Eventually I ended up dressed and at my desk and started chipping away at my parents’ paperwork which I ended up finishing around one. After a light lunch I took BMO into the bathroom for some flying and play time while Emily valiantly cleaned the cage.

Once that was done I returned to my desk to finish off the Gear update for The Republic and uploaded it to the internet. I had planned to do some actual digital game development after that but my spoons were pretty much gone so I retired to the couch and we watched Star Trek and Black Sails until it we went to bed early.

Tomorrow I’m supposed to be going to work in the city and meeting my new manager who I’m nervous to meet because he’s an older white guy who said he didn’t need to meet the other staff members including myself before orientation because he “gets along with everyone”. At this rate though I might not make it as I seem to be developing a cold, which I find very upsetting and have no patience for.

Today I fell a little bit in love with Jim Kirk. Just a little bit.

We had a nice sleepy time in the morning but managed to get up and ready early enough to go for morning walk without being completely scorched. We listened to an episode of campaign and got just the right amount of sweaty and even finished it off with a donut and it was great.

After the walk we chilled for a bit while a download completed and then, when it was done, we started watching Star Trek, The Original Series, at Emily’s behest. We managed to finish the dishes and rearrange the main bookshelf over the course of the day, all the while being distracted by Star Trek nonsense. It was terrible and excellent and I honestly didn’t expect to like it or the characters as much as I do but here we are.

Eventually after dinner we switched over to No Man’s Sky and icecream to continue the spacefaring theme and I got a little work on The Republic done.

Tomorrow I’m gonna try and focus on getting some work done on at least one of our games. I’m just not sure which at the moment.

Today I killed a fourteen year old’s Dungeons and Dragons character.

This morning I slept in a fair bit and then lazed around in bed reading Twitter for too long, got grumpy about that and a couple of other minor things because I was hungry and ended up sobbing uncontrollably on the floor of the shower, utterly hating myself.

I spoke to Emily about it when I finally managed to get out of the house and pick her up and she re-raised the discussion of medication which, while I’m happy to consider that option, I’m deathly afraid someone’s gonna say that my mood issues are because my testosterone is too low and reduce my anti-androgens and like I know that women come in all shapes and sizes and hormone levels but my hormone levels are strongly tied to my feelings of validity as a woman so I am super fucking scared of anyone messing with them and making them be anything different to how they are now. Yes that’s fucked up but it’s where I’m at and I don’t have the spoons currently to deal with anything like that. If we were only talking about antidepressants or anti-anxiety meds I’d be capable of a much more reasonable discussion.

Back at home we spent a few hours doing our best to tidy the house which for me was just doing as much of the dishes as I could without my feet getting sore from the hard cement floor.

Damon and their sister arrived at two and we finished of her character and got straight into the Dungeons And Dragons. We had a pretty excellent session even though Damon’s sister’s character died outright and Damon’s character accidentally turned themself into a a swarm of ethereal bats. But at least the dead character got resurrected in the end so it wasn’t so bad.

Afterwards I was a little sad the death didn’t have more impact but over all the session was excellent chaos.

Tomorrow we don’t have a set plan but finishing the cleaning and going for a walk would be great.

Today I was pretty sleepy.

I slept in till eight thirty, got up and got ready quick enough to be at my desk for work at nine. Work was frustrating because of clients being stupid but apparently I handled it well. At midday I dropped Emily off at Willunga for the afternoon and then came home and finished the last few hours of work after which I planned to get lunch and bird food. Instead I accidentally had a nap until three thirty. I would have continued but I needed to get bird food before the shop closed so I headed out and got that and a pie from the bakery for lunch and got served by the door energetic chatty girl and it was nice because she chatted to me about Lovato stuff and was just really friendly. It’s funny how being trans I’m often just pleasantly surprised when people just treat me like a normal human being.

At home I was gonna do some tidying but instead ended up paying with and cuddling BMO for a while and then falling back into my nap until shortly before Dave arrived.

We went and got fish and chips for dinner and I was a total social weirdo talking to the girl at the fish and chips shop. Back at home we finished our dinner and then cracked out the laptops.

I added a safety feature to We Are Seeds that Dave had already done the backend for and Dave worked on a work project that is giving him trouble. We were going to put on music or YouTube or something but in the end we just sat on the couch working together for the whole evening and it was fine.

Tomorrow I’m running DnD and one of the players is 14 so I’m gonna have to be careful but I’m also super excited.

Today I travelled in weird directions.

I drove in to the train station at Seaford this morning after getting ready blearily from a lack of quality sleep due to the very muggy night.

I caught the train from Seaford to the city where I did pretty well as far as being productive but then was frustrated when I found out we can’t bill the client for a bunch of that time. I also forgot to have lunch until three thirty again.

After work I caught the train back from the city to Seaford and then drove back towards the city to get to Dave and Sarah’s. Once I was there and greeted and we had all eaten we then got in the car with the cat they had been borrowed and drove up North of Port Adelaide to return said borrowed cat and then we returned to their house where we just hung out and chatted for ages which was absolutely lovely, especially as I got to chat with Sarah who I don’t usually get to chat with as much. Eventually Emily arrived and joined our chats which accidentally went until 12:30am and then we drove home to be in bed just after 1am.

Tomorrow I’m working from home for the first part of the day but I’m not sure about the rest. I’m probably gonna be pretty tired so a nap is probably going to happen. It would be good if a walk also happened. That would be nice.

Today I got a bit dehydrated.

Emily was up super early this morning getting ready for work and I only had to be up regular early to drop her off.

I got back home and had a quick shower and fed BMO which meant I could nap for another hour before starting work. The sun was dancing over the bed and it was just super nice and relaxing. Once I started work though it was super annoying. Too many tasks that I don’t know how to start freaking me out so I get distracted and waste time and then I still haven’t done anything. I was glad when the end of the work day rocked around and I could switch onto doing my parents paperwork because I knew what I needed to do a d there wasn’t a concrete time limit. After a certain amount of work on that though I decended into browsing Twitter and eventually a nap before finally going to pick Emily up so we could come home and have dinner and watch Brooklyn Nine Nine until bed time.

Tomorrow I’m working in the city and then Emily is filming something in the city until late so I’m not sure what the logistics of that are gonna look like but I guess we’ll find out.

Today I went to Arggg.

We were up at a reasonable time to get ready for work this morning and then I realised I had left my work shoes in the car on South terrace. Emily valiantly volunteered to trek for them while I put on my makeup. But between that and the first tram to the station being full I still ended up being half and hour late for work.

At work I was only slightly out of sorts which I count as a win. My mood was rough as heck at points but I at least managed to be productive for part of the day. I had lunch with Emily and we had a fascinating chat about how to avoid shielding yourself from too many unpleasant things and therefore make yourself sensitive/vulnerable to them.

After work we headed back to Em’s dad’s place, packed our stuff into the car and headed to Arggg.

I was a little down in my social skills at the start of the night but eventually found my corner and just had lovely chats with great people until way too late in the evening.
Tomorrow I’m working from home but Emily has to leave super early in the morning to help out on a project in the city so it’ll just be me and BMO. Hopefully I can use the afternoon to deal with as much of this paperwork my parents need me to do for them as possible.

Today I had a quokka try and steal my laptop.

This morning I was up at six thirty to move my car after being up till one thirty. I slept a little after moving the car but not a lot. Eventually we were up and dressed and made our way out of the house. I headed straight to the zoo again today and felt like a gangster skipping the massive public holiday ticket line.

I went and sat with the Emu, the African Grey Parrot, the Chiming Wedgebill, the birds in the rainforest aviary, the Black Cockatoo in the wetlands aviary, and the Quokkas in the petting zoo. Most of the time I was also testing and working on We Are Seeds to just polish a couple of rough edges I found. I was actually super impressed with how both my laptop and my phone managed to last me the whole day.

The African Grey was making all sorts of other birds’ noises and a couple of human sounds including a few hellos which was nice to hear as they’re often quite shy.

The Chiming Wedgebill was super loud and melodious but it’s interesting because there was an extra note in their song to usual so it’s either a different individual or the main one’s song has changed.

The Black Cockatoo was a big sook because of all the music noise coming from WOMAD and wanted as much cuddles and scratches as they could get.

The Quokkas were initially a bit shy and occupied by the sheer number of children in the petting area and I was happy to just sit in the corner and watch the proceedings as I worked but after a while one came up and wanted to either know what was on my laptop or get into my lap which was super cute. That was until they figured out that there was an iced coffee carton in my bag which they then tried to steal.

After the zoo Emily brought me okonomiyaki from inside WOMAD and I caught up with Damon and we sat around and chatted before walking up to Rundle Street where we got delicious desert at a chocolate place before heading back to our respective lodgings after which I pretty much spent the rest of the evening watching Brooklyn Nine Nine and not working on We Are Seeds at all.

Tomorrow it’s back to work and I’m already in the city. Here’s hoping I’m not too tired from this weekend to be useful. In the evening we might even be alive enough to go to Arggg!

Today I made games at the zoo in the rain.

This morning I was a bit slow getting ready because I was tired from the night before. 

After breakfast while I was getting ready Emily did some last minute graphical assets for We Are Seeds which I tried to weigh in on which was, as often is the case, a bad idea because we clearly have very different perspectives on these things. But what she produced was brilliant as soon as I shut up as usual.

I ended up having to borrow a jumper from Emily’s dad which Emily decided pushed my outfit firmly into “adorable 90s hacker” aesthetic which I was fine with.

After waiting out some rain and getting a little extra work done we headed out and got the bus down to Frome Street where Emily and her Dad headed into WOMAD and I went to the zoo. I had to renew my membership today and when looking at my driver’s licensed the woman serving me had to ask to confirm that my masculine sounding middle name was actually my middle name and not part of a misprinted hyphenated last name. It was the first time someone’s assumed that that’s not actually my middle name because of my gender which was a nice new experience.
I headed inside, got some hot chips because they were the cheapest thing on the menu, went to sit with the pandas, found they were not on display and so went to sit in the Asian aviary which has these ridiculous red parrots that I love. Most of the birds were hiding because of the wet weather but I found a seat on a bench, sat down and started working. I love working at the zoo, the sounds of the animals and the birds and getting to watch them doing their thing when you look up is just great. Eventually I had to get an umbrella out as the dampness became actual rain. On the plus side some of the crazy red parrots came out to see me.

It was ok with light rain for a while but around four it started raining even more heavily and I started getting properly wet and cold so I packed up and headed off.

I met Emily briefly outside the WOMAD gate and she unloaded a bag onto me and then I caught the wrong bus back to Emily’s dad’s so it took about twice times as long as it should have.

For dinner I reheated the pizza from Friday night and finished that off and spent the evening working on the final bits of We Are Seeds and watching Brooklyn Nine Nine which it turns out lives up to the hype.

Emily got home near midnight and I finished my last We Are Seeds task and submitted it to #ResistJam about forty five minutes later at which point it was so time for sleep.

Tomorrow I’m gonna go back to the zoo and just hang out and do a bunch of user testing on We Are Seeds.

Today I worked with Dave.

I got up at eight to make sure I would be ready and gone in time to be at Dave’s at ten am.
Then we remembered that Emily had left an important key at Aldinga so I got dressed and had some breakfast and drove down to Aldinga. When I got home to Aldinga I went to say hello to BMO. He bit me on the nose. I had a cry. I had my long shower at home because it’s nice there. As I was getting dressed and made up, a friend decided to have a really transphobic argument with me on twitter which opened up a bunch of old wounds and left me physically shaking as I tried to respond like a reasonable human being. I am incredibly grateful to all the friends who backed me up and checked in to make sure I was ok. I’m not chuffed at the time it sucked out of my day. I finished my makeup, said goodbye to BMO and headed out. I got as far as Old Noarlunga when I realised I’d forgotten the keys and had to turn around and drive all the way home again to get them. When I did finally make it to Dave and Sarah’s it was 1pm, three hours late to the minute.

The rest of the day was absolutely fucking wonderful. I got to hang out and work with Dave. We basically finished all the major parts of We Are Seeds. I got to see Sarah. I met their friend Ruthie(sp?) and we all had some excellent chill and chat times and I just loved it. I really do love those two a lot. We did go pretty hard though, including an 11:30pm walk up the super massive steep hill near their place, testing out our positional stuff which was fun but super intense and I am now completely wiped. My body is going to hate me tomorrow.

Tomorrow I MIGHT go to the zoo. Emily’s pay came through today so we can TECHNICALLY afford it and I really would love to go. I just have to convince the budgeting part of my brain that I’m allowed to use that money for zoo time before I can get myself to do it.

Today I ate too much pizza.

This morning’s work was fine enough. I didn’t get heaps done cause there was a team meeting in the middle and some of my tasks got handled by others but it was nice to get through it. Once I was done there we finished packing the car full of all the things we would need for the long weekend and brought BMO out for a fly. I took him into the bathroom and we had a lovely play while Emily tidied his cage up for the weekend.

We ended up going to the bank and Emily’s mum’s and the petrol station in the muggy heat before finally making our way in to Emily’s dad’s place in the city. After we had gotten ourselves settled Emily and her dad headed off to the first night of WOMAD and I camped on the couch and worked on We Are Seeds for the evening. I was originally going to go out and find food for dinner but my motivation to do so dropped rapidly as my exhausted body became more hungry and in the end I ordered pizza and paid the delivery driver in fifty cent pieces because that’s all I had. Once I had my pizza though I ate half of it and half the garlic bread and felt pretty ill but not ill enough to stop me from eating the churros that also came with it, after which I felt very ill. I sat and listened to Roleplay Blades on the couch and then on the bed and tried not to fall asleep before Emily got home which I was not 100% successful at.

Tomorrow I’m going to see Dave and Sarah so Dave and I can work on We Are Seeds and get most of it sorted which I am really excited about.

Today I mostly zoned out and worked.

I was so emotionally exhausted today that I basically just floated on a cloud of emotional fuzz. I left work an hour early because of some work I had to do late at night and then headed home to my lovely wife and spent the evening working on our ARG for #ResistJam until 11 at which point I did the extra work stuff and headed to bed.

Tomorrow I’m gonna work from home and call in to the team meeting over hangouts and then we’re going to head into the city for the first night of WOMAD.

Today I tried to recover from a bruising.

I got up on time and left on time and then ended up being 15 minutes blate to my half hour psych appointment because of ridiculous traffic which apparently made even some of the clinic staff late today. I was already stressed from the traffic going into my appointment but in the space of the 15 minutes left in my appointment slot my psych managed to make me feel like a belittled child and then raise my recent weight gain as a legitimate concern for my mental and physical health before framing me as a bad or stupid person for putting the weight on in the first place and then feeling intimidated about losing it. Both things were parts of legitimate points that I need to address but they were handled so clumsily that I left the appointment just feeling totally worthless and disgusting.

I managed to focus enough to drive home safely and then after trying to just do work for a bit and finding myself unable to speak I ended up crying all over Emily which eventually let me explain the whole thing and then cry some more. My efforts to work today we’re massively hampered by my feelings of being a numb worthless lump and I’m super grateful to the friends that whinged at over slack about the whole thing because it at least helped me eventually get sidetracked and stop thinking about the whole thing.

Once I finally finished work I had a nap because that’s all I could think of. After the nap though we went to the shops to pick up some groceries, came home and Emily made dinner while I played The Last Guardian, which continues to be utterly brilliant. After dinner we put on some Adam Koebel vods and listened to them as I worked on the login interface for our ResistJam ARG which is going to be a tight squeeze but I do believe we can make something cool by the deadline.

Tomorrow it’s back to work in the city and I’m dreading it because I don’t know how I can be ok enough tomorrow to work in that environment and with those people and do actual work and be valuable but I know that when I get stuck like this where I think I’m permanently broken, that I’ll never be ok again, or that I’ll never make it out, that I always Eventually come out the other side, usually sooner than expected. I just hope that’s tomorrow.

Today I made myself move around on a map.

Waking up when it was still dark sucked this morning, but I rested a bit on the train and made it in to work feeling alright.

At work I actually managed to manage my time pretty well, and in my breaks I worked on our #ResistJam entry.

When I got home from work I sat with BMO while Emily was cooking and then after dinner I cracked out the laptop and made serious progress on our ARG front-end. Over the course of the day I managed to get the player icon moving as they walk around, nearby flowers displaying around them, have the flowers hold data from the backend, have the flowers be interactable, and have that interaction based on a backend call. I’m pretty confident the front-end of this is gonna be done by the end of the week, I just hope Dave can find time in his crazy busy schedule for the backend.

Tomorrow I’m working from home but before that I have a psych appointment which means driving all the way into the city and then back home because I can’t afford to park my car near the office. On the plus side we might see Dave for some shared Dev time, maybe perhaps.