Today (Saturday) I demonstrated Monadnock.

I was up earliest this morning for showering and getting ready because I take the longest and we ended up being only five minutes late to the convention hall. The whole day was basically a blur of demoing Monadnock on the con floor. At one point I think I fell asleep in a chair? When the end of the day rocked around we had a couple of friends inviting us out to different dinners that were happening but we were too exhausted and just headed back to Dave and Sarah’s place for soup and then playing silly games until way too late in the evening.

Tomorrow we’re back on the con floor again but I’m hoping I will be well rested enough to keep up the energy for the day.

Today I did a lot of waiting and got exhausted.

First thing this morning I had a long shower, got dressed and did my makeup and then we loaded the car up with equipment and headed out. We met up with Dave and took a moment to sit and chat before heading into the convention. We were worried we’d be late for electrical testing and tagging because we got there slightly after midday but in the end we were waiting around till five o’clock before the testing and tagging machine even arrived. Once we did have everything tagged we headed back to Dave and Sarah’s place to swap cars and I fell asleep in the passengers seat multiple times on the way just from being so tired from a combination of the work setting up for the con and the emotional labour of supporting people who were having a rough time throughout the day. Emily and I did head back to the city for the developer meetup at a bar on Hindley Street and we got to hang out with some friends and generally awesome people and just had a nice time socialising and eating all the cheese.

Afterwards we headed back to Dave and Sarah’s place and hung out talking until eleven and then tucked ourselves into the futon to try and get enough sleep for tomorrow.

Tomorrow is the first day of avcon and I’m not really worried I don’t think? Which is a nice place to be.

Today I went to the cinema!
I was so tired this morning but managed to get myself up and to work basically on time. Work itself was basically a waste of time as the proposed solution to a client’s problem ended up being as useless as i had predicted it would be but we sank a few hours into it anyway plus I had a meeting where people were attempting to plan out a new product that we might not even end up developing and I spent most of the meeting being completely lost as people argued about jargon and frameworks I didn’t understand.

After work though I caught up with Dave and we went and got some tasty dinner at Ky Chow and then a problematic amount of icecream to kill time before heading up to the cinema to watch Baby Driver. The film wasn’t quite up to the hype I’d seen on twitter but it was still pretty solid. The third act was especially good in its pacing and drama and visual artistry. Afterwards we went back to Dave and Sarah’s place to pick up Emily and have a quick cup of tea before heading home.

Tomorrow is bump in day for our Avcon which I can’t decide if I’m nervous or calm about but I am glad we get to spend the weekend hanging out with Dave and Sarah.

Today I forgot to eat.

This morning I up and dropped Emily off at the train station and then came home and showered, did laundry, cuddled a noisy BMO and then made my way to my desk to work. Work itself was relatively uneventful and I mostly just pottered through dealing with bugs and tickets until eventually two o’clock rocked around and I switched over to working on Monadnock. Around dinner time I picked up Emily from the train station and we had some food and dyed our hair for the weekend before settling back down in the office for more Monadnock work for the rest of the evening. We ended up going pretty late on that work and it got a little fraught at a couple of points but we made some really solid progress on our UI stuff which was good even if we ended up getting to be really late.

Tomorrow I’m at work in the city but I’m gonna go catch a movie with Dave afterwards Soni have something nice to look forward to.

Today I tweeted about Emily.

Emily and I headed into town on the train together this morning. It rained a lot last night, my shoes have holes in the bottom and my feet got wet.

In the office I tried real hard to keep on top of what I was supposed to be doing but I was incredibly dull and so instead I maybe started a twitter thread about the things that make Emily unique, special, and exceptional and just kept posting to it whenever work was boring throughout the day. Others joined in too which was real nice. In the end I forgot to get lunch while I was working because my tummy has been upset from stress so at the end of the day, when Emily met me outside my office, we decided to go and get dinner at The sushi train nearby which was just magical. It was like a big dose of narrative straight up and it was lovely. Afterwards we got hot chocolates and made our way home to our house where I spent the evening playing No Man’s Sky and Emily did some crafting to make herself a new shirt for AVcon this weekend.

Tomorrow I’m fasting and working from home which is fine but then I’ve got a bunch of stuff I have to do in the afternoon to prepare for AVcon which I’m worried I might struggle with.

Today I went in the sea a little.

I dropped Emily off at the train station first thing this morning and then came home and managed to have a long shower, get dressed, collect some flowers for BMO and feed him, put in a load of laundry and then bundle and psych myself to go out for one of my podcast and exercise walks which I haven’t managed to do in a couple of months.

It was very wet and windy outside but I still managed to make myself go out anyway and started listening to my podcast and walking.

And then the weather somehow got worse as I was walking.

And then it just stopped, and the sky cleared a little and it was beautiful.

At the same time my phone decided it didn’t have enough battery left to continue playing my podcast but seeing as I was here to exercise and the weather has cleared for me a little I decided to continue on and just enjoy the quiet. Once I got to the corner of the village lot though, I could smell the sea, carried on those stormy winds and I decided it would be nice to just go and have a look, especially because I don’t often see the floodway up to the beach as wet as it was and I wanted to see it closer.

The walk down to the beach is always lovely but it was especially pretty in its combination of winter starkness and bountiful waters today.

And then it wasn’t long before I reached the dunes and glimpsed the sea.

The sea was at a pretty high tide and looking very stormy from the wind.

I went up to get closer to it. I decided that seeing as my shoes were already soaked through from the walk, a little more water wouldn’t hurt.

Things looked especially dramatic over near the old jetty poles and I decided I wanted to go and get some closer photos so I walked up the beach, sometimes dancing along the rocks to avoid being got by the waves again, until I reached the old caves and the old jetty poles.

Aaand then I got in the sea again, to get up close and personal with the jetty poles.

And then it was time to head back. I finished my walk with the traditional trip to the bakery and then headed home and ate my tasty lunch with no pants because my jeans were so soaked with sea water.

I had fully planned to then go out and get a blood test that I’ve been needing to get done but by the time I had hung out the washing in the machine I basically just crashed. My mental state for the afternoon took a sharp turn for the rough and only momentarily abated with a nap. Eventually I went and picked Emily up from the train station, we grabbed some takeaway dinner and then rushed home to be ready to stream I Am Not Trying To Kill You on time.

Today was definitely the first time I’ve found myself thinking “I don’t want to do this today” before a stream because of my shitty mental state but then as soon as we got started I began enjoying myself almost immediately and having @storybrewers run their game The Great Long Dark for BlackwoolHoliday, @creatrixtiara and I was an excellent way to fill the gap while we took a week off from Apocalypse World and I really loved the story we created together.

Tomorrow I’m heading into work and I’m pretty sure my body is going to hate me for all the walking today and then the late night but we’ll see how we go.

Today I hung out with Melody.

We had a lazy morning in bed this morning but I managed to be up and about and out of the door by eleven thirty which I considered a win. I managed to navigate to Melody’s place by memory which I thought was pretty good having been there only once before and I even managed to tone the playlist on my phone so it finished as I pulled up. Melody and I spent the day mostly just talking about roleplaying games just a whole bunch and I basically kept being like “check out this cool thing I made!” over and over. We watched a couple of Adam vods and played some Space Team and then suddenly it was ten o’clock at night and time for me to head home.

Tomorrow I’m gonna try and get some game dev done during the day and then we will be streaming The Great Long Dark on I Am Not Trying To Kill You in the evening which I’m keen for even though it’s because we have to skip apocalypse world for a week.

Today I just played games.

I got up early this morning so I could get myself showered and ready to stream playing Armello with Andrew. Unfortunately when I went to stream I discovered Armello wouldn’t launch on my computer so I super quickly got Emily’s machine set up for streaming and then we jumped in and Andrew talked me through the basics of the game which I picked up very slowly but did eventually pick up. We played through two games where Andrew won one and a computer won the other and it was really fun and the game is really beautiful.

After Andrew had to head off I played an hour and a bit of Darkest Dungeon on stream by myself and then, once I was done, popped in to watch Adam play PUBG with Bluejay for. A few minutes before going to pick up Emily. We came home and I headed up left over Chinese from last night for lunch and then Bear and Alison arrived for DnD. Except Bear had a present for me. An actual hardcover copy of Blades In The Dark and I am so stunned and overjoyed and feeling very very loved.

Once we did actually start playing DnD though it was great. We managed to avoid the only combat for the session but had a lot of great intense to moments including me doing a really good voice for a character I’ve had trouble with I the past and every one was suitably annoyed and intimidated.

Tomorrow I’m gonna go hang out with Melody and we can talk about games stuff which I’m really excited about.

Today I talked about work and feelings a bunch.

I went into the office today because we had a team meeting. The first part of the morning I just pottered around a couple of tasks until we had the team meeting where I had to find a way to talk about the complete shitshow that was the project that melted down last week and made me have a panic attack. After the team meeting there was a bunch of weird waiting where I wasn’t sure if I would be needed for another meeting so I kept not wanting to start another task, at one point people were yelling in the office and then finally I did have a meeting with the boss about where I would like to steer myself in the company’s future and he also bought me the worst chai latte I’ve ever had.

After work I headed home and Dave and Emily and I did a little more planning for Monadnock stuff. Dave and I then dropped Em off at her mum’s house, grabbed some Chinese and spent the rest of the evening watching British panel shows on YouTube and talking about difficult life stuff which was actually super nice.

Tomorrow I’m gonna play some Armello with Andrew on stream which I’m really excited for and then play DnD with Alison and Bear in the evening, who I’m also super keen to see.

Today I mostly just kept on going.

I got up in time to go to work in the city today but I was so incredibly exhausted that I had to call in sick so I could get an extra hour and a half of sleep and even then getting out of bed was still really tough. I got to my desk and spent the day troubleshooting silly issues for one of our products across multiple clients except one of those clients ended up being one that it seems like I have a panic response every time they come up. As a result I spent the last half of the day with music turned up real loud on my headphones and then kept doing that after work was over. Emily got home at dinner time and we had a small but important discussion about how we were planning our week before having some dinner and heading out to a meeting about village communications. The meeting ended up being more productive than it probably seemed while we were in it which was good but I walked out with even more anxiousness than when I walked in so back at home I focused on playing No Man’s Sky and taking pretty pictures in that to help calm myself before bed.

Tomorrow I will be working in the city unless I’m unwell again in the morning but then I get to come home and do a little Monadnock work with Emily and Dave for coworking day which I’m looking forward to.

Today I became a Twitch affiliate.

I ambled slowly to my desk this morning and sat down to work on finishing this certifications plugin. I ended up working longer than usual for a Wednesday because I had a meeting outside my normal hours and I didn’t take a lunch break because I don’t normally take one when I’m working less hours on a Wednesday but I did take a moment to fill out the forms to become a Twitch affiliate when I saw the invitation in my email! It feels like I’ve reached affiliate status really quickly and it’s not the highest bar to reach if you’re doing the work but it does feel really significant to me if only because it allows me to engage with my audience more.

After work I spent some time researching and configuring streamlabs and then trying to pick gifs and sounds for alerts but I think I might do custom ones yet. Then, once I’d done my makeup, I did a Darkest Dungeon stream to celebrate affiliate status that went into the evening. Emily arrived home from her outing shortly before I wrapped up and then we had a lovely little video chat with Sarah F before having dinner and watching Court Of Swords on the couch for the rest of the night.

Tomorrow is Thursday which is rapidly becoming my least favourite day of the week and a risky proposition for my mood stuff so I have to be prepared to cheer myself up as we head through the day.

Today I just got emails working.

I had to have a long chat with the HR person at work this morning because they did a mental health check in with me and I basically ended up talking about a bunch of personal stuff that is affecting my mental health because if I didn’t talk about it I was sure I would cry. Emily was busy today so I didn’t want to distract her but my headspace was so fragile I had to put a lot of work into keeping it steady. In the end I ended up overrunning my deadline on the email sending section of this project for the afternoon and getting more stressed and wound up about that and feeling like a failure again, not as badly as Saturday but in enough of a similar vein to bring that all back up again.

On the train home from work I chatted to Alayna online and her presence was helpful and calming which I always forget. Back at home we had a cup of tea with Dave before he headed home and then had dinner and watched YouTube as I worked on a weird rpg thing and Emily slowly drifted off to sleep. As we were heading to bed I had another weird panic spike for seemingly no reason and it’s making me think I need to hurry up with the organising of my mental health care professionals.

Tomorrow I’m working from home and it’s a fasting day and given my current emotional state I know it won’t be as rough as I’m assuming but the emotional part of my brain is terrified of it.