Early Access

I make games. But I’m also messy and anxious. I believe my work is good and that I should be paid for it. But I also want people to have my games without it stressing my finances. So here’s the plan: I am going to continue making games, both solo and with friends. I am going to share the very earliest versions of those games with my Patreon patrons. When a game feels like it’s at a point I’m ready to share it to the larger world, I will release it as “Early Access”. Early access from me means that you can purchase an early access copy of the game that entitles you to all future digital versions of the game. Early access from me means that it is released for free on the internet for those who can’t or aren’t ready to back it financially yet. Early access from me means that I haven’t finished with the game yet and I will likely release updates, but who knows when. Early access from me means the work is under a Creative Commons Attribution 4.0 International license. When the game is done, there will likely be publishing and such, at which point it will stop being Early Access and those who purchased it get a digital copy of the finished game. I hope that sits chill with all of you.
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Today I did a bunch with mum’s help.

Mum rocked up at nine this morning and we went for a nice long walk for some exercise and then, because Emily wasn’t home yet she helped wash the dishes, take out the rubbish and helped with some other cleaning. I rushed through the shower and we headed out and did grocery shopping. By the time we got back Emily was home and I was exhausted. We went over to the vardo where Emily painted and I napped. Then we made savoury muffins together, after which it was time for the finale of our game of Court Of Swords which was pretty damn excellent in my own opinion. Now though, I am super sleepy. I definitely defied my spoon count this morning and that felt victorious, but I’m being realistic and not assuming that will be the norm ongoing.

Today I did adventures despite being super tired.

This morning was the first day on increased meds and I managed to get through the finale of our Girl By Moonlight game but afterwards I was SO EXHAUSTED. Gwen came around at around lunch time and we all went on an adventure to get some indoor plants and then when we got home I managed to work on and post an update to The Republic, before basically crashing. I got to listen to Sarah reading a story for her patreon patrons and then basically spent the rest of the night watching Court Of Swords and Brooklyn Nine Nine. It’s very very strange being in this place of mental health… crisis? Cause some of the time I feel fine and even good and I can’t work out what all the fuss is about, and then other times I’m just completely out of my own head in different ways. I’m trying real hard not to hate on myself for being a burden, especially on Emily, And instead trying my best to just be thankful for the people supporting me in a really scary time.

Today I crashed hard but was cared for.

I was up at a good time this morning and pretty quickly got onto having a long shower which was a big struggle but I managed it. I got myself dressed, got a little work done, had some lunch, and then just fucking broke down. I found myself on the bed having some of the most intensely rough and dangerous mental experiences I’ve had in a long time, which is impressive considering where I’ve been at so far this year. I managed to message Emily and she came and helped me through the second half of it and then organised a care plan for the rest of the day. She kept me company, kept me occupied, even while doing her own work. Dave came around for the afternoon and evening and we worked together a little, him doing actual code stuff and me writing a game over the course of an afternoon. We all had snacks and Emily made delicious pasta for dinner and then we watched Logan, which was very disappointing, and then the first episode of Dirk Gently which was very not. I felt more cared for, loved, and supported than I tend to think I deserve, but that’s the crux of it I guess, nothing is ever fair, good or bad, it just is.

I’m not sure what my plans for tomorrow are yet, but I think I’m probably streaming in the morning and playing Torchbearer in the afternoon? That will be nice.

Today I fell asleep after character creation.

This morning I was slow to start and so by the time I was ready for the day it was time to get on a call for character creation for an RPG stream. In the end the call took WAY longer than I anticipated and afterwards I was exhausted and fell asleep on the couch for a few hours. After dinner I managed to get SOME work done but not a lot cause the work I did do was so anxiety inducing.

Tomorrow I’m gonna try and get more solid work done. Hopefully Dave coming around for coworking will help that.

Today I got tired.

I slept appallingly last night and didn’t make it out of bed till nearly ten. I got on stream by ten thirty and went through til 2pm with a break in the middle to pick up Emily. After streaming though I passed out on the couch for a few hours which wasn’t very pleasant and then, once I managed to rouse myself I very slowly did the dishes, until finally it was time for another little rest before Damon arrived and we spent a lovely evening hanging out.

Today I wasn’t much fun but I managed to send emails.

I had a long shower this morning, after a lot of procrastination and it was pretty rough but it didn’t completely knock me out. I managed to send a few big important emails which was good. I dabbled around during the day otherwise and watched some streams and then Dave and I went for a walk after dropping Emily to her mum’s and spent the evening watching a nature documentary and playing Assassin’s Creed Black Flag.

Tomorrow I’m streaming in the morning and Damon is coming to visit in the evening which will be lovely.

Today I was at least not so sad.

I was still super low energy and tired but I managed to get some small tasks completed. In the evening Hen had dinner with us which was delicious and then Emily and I spent the rest of the evening watching The Expanse which we’re really digging.

Tomorrow I’m gonna chase leads and try to work out where I’m at.

Today I let myself be depressed.

I felt fine getting up and having breakfast this morning but after that my most warned me that it was gonna struggle with a shower. I attempted a shower anyway and managed to get through it but crashed immediately after and spent an age alternately sobbing and being catatonic. I managed to get myself together eventually and got a bit of work done at my desk but then by body decided that crashing into torpor on the couch was a good idea and that lasted until Emily got home. Once Emily was home we ate and ran some errands and then came home for a Cave Date Minecraft stream with Andrew which was extremely lovely.

Today I worked on spare tasks.

I wanted to get down to work hard today on some of the paid games stuff I thought I’d be doing but delays and things meant that I couldn’t do any of that. So instead I helped Emily with her website, got most of the dishes done, posted updates to my Patreon, fixed up some RPG stuff, and ran a playtest of In Which We Live And Breathe. The playtest was really freakin rad and I’m so glad to see the game working as well as it did. It feels like the game is through its initial trial by fire and is now something rad worth continuing.

Tomorrow I’m hoping to hear from people who make decisions about whether they want to pay me to do work, and, honestly, it’s terrifying cause it feels like my future is in their hands. If I can get enough games work to support myself it feels like I might be able to pull myself out of this burnout and depression spiral, if I have to go back to mostly working my day job I’m not really sure how I’ll cope.

Today I ran Goblin Heart (https://acegiak.net/2017/12/30/goblin-heart/) for a bunch of people I love.

I was genuinely surprised how well it worked and did the things we wanted it to do and it was so lovely to get to play with so many of my beautiful friends who all seemed to have such a great time. We had delicious bakery lunch and then later I MIGHT have wasted an hour of everyone’s time with a shaggy dog story. Dave wrote me a note about it.

The day was all just so much fun and my heart is just so full of love now. Thankyou so much to the beautiful friends that made today amazing. ❤💕

Today it was my birthday and I streamed for 13 hours. I was up around eight thirty and opened my present from Emily. An amazing dress that I decided I had to wear today. We started streaming around half past ten and played Across The Endless Sea with Emily and Elf and Andrew and then Andrew and Emily continued on with me for four hours of Minecraft and a cake for lunch. Then by that time it was dinner time so we got pizza and played DungeonWorld with Emily and Luke and Melody which was super great and a lovely way to round out the evening. I ate so many tasty things and I’m so exhausted but I had such a nice time and it was so lovely to get to spend time with the people who joined me on stream and all the amazing people in my chat and the people who came and visited to give me a hug even if only briefly. What a great birthday! Tomorrow Dave is coming around for coworking and the weather is gonna be real nice so I’m gonna try and get good work done and then relax.

On Tuesday I didn’t get enough work done. I spent most of the day feeling nervous about the work I needed to get done and then distracting myself so eventually when the end of the workday rocked around I hadn’t really achieved anything. Luckily for me though after work I got to meet up with Melody and go hang out at her place for the evening which was really lovely and relaxing and I got to see Sarah and it was just a really nice time.

On Wednesday I watched a speedrun.

I wasn’t super on task during the working part of the day but I managed to get enough done to feel slightly less panicky. After work Emily and I did a space date No Man’s Sky stream together which was really super lovely with great chat. Afterwards Emily headed out for the evening and I went and got fish and chips for dinner and ate them while watching a Crash Bandicoot 2 speedrun which is the first time I’ve ever really bothered to watch a whole speedrun but it was really interesting because it’s a game I’ve played a lot and have feelings about.