Today I crashed hard but was cared for.

I was up at a good time this morning and pretty quickly got onto having a long shower which was a big struggle but I managed it. I got myself dressed, got a little work done, had some lunch, and then just fucking broke down. I found myself on the bed having some of the most intensely rough and dangerous mental experiences I’ve had in a long time, which is impressive considering where I’ve been at so far this year. I managed to message Emily and she came and helped me through the second half of it and then organised a care plan for the rest of the day. She kept me company, kept me occupied, even while doing her own work. Dave came around for the afternoon and evening and we worked together a little, him doing actual code stuff and me writing a game over the course of an afternoon. We all had snacks and Emily made delicious pasta for dinner and then we watched Logan, which was very disappointing, and then the first episode of Dirk Gently which was very not. I felt more cared for, loved, and supported than I tend to think I deserve, but that’s the crux of it I guess, nothing is ever fair, good or bad, it just is.

I’m not sure what my plans for tomorrow are yet, but I think I’m probably streaming in the morning and playing Torchbearer in the afternoon? That will be nice.

Today I fell asleep after character creation.

This morning I was slow to start and so by the time I was ready for the day it was time to get on a call for character creation for an RPG stream. In the end the call took WAY longer than I anticipated and afterwards I was exhausted and fell asleep on the couch for a few hours. After dinner I managed to get SOME work done but not a lot cause the work I did do was so anxiety inducing.

Tomorrow I’m gonna try and get more solid work done. Hopefully Dave coming around for coworking will help that.

Today I got tired.

I slept appallingly last night and didn’t make it out of bed till nearly ten. I got on stream by ten thirty and went through til 2pm with a break in the middle to pick up Emily. After streaming though I passed out on the couch for a few hours which wasn’t very pleasant and then, once I managed to rouse myself I very slowly did the dishes, until finally it was time for another little rest before Damon arrived and we spent a lovely evening hanging out.

Today I wasn’t much fun but I managed to send emails.

I had a long shower this morning, after a lot of procrastination and it was pretty rough but it didn’t completely knock me out. I managed to send a few big important emails which was good. I dabbled around during the day otherwise and watched some streams and then Dave and I went for a walk after dropping Emily to her mum’s and spent the evening watching a nature documentary and playing Assassin’s Creed Black Flag.

Tomorrow I’m streaming in the morning and Damon is coming to visit in the evening which will be lovely.

Today I was at least not so sad.

I was still super low energy and tired but I managed to get some small tasks completed. In the evening Hen had dinner with us which was delicious and then Emily and I spent the rest of the evening watching The Expanse which we’re really digging.

Tomorrow I’m gonna chase leads and try to work out where I’m at.

Today I let myself be depressed.

I felt fine getting up and having breakfast this morning but after that my most warned me that it was gonna struggle with a shower. I attempted a shower anyway and managed to get through it but crashed immediately after and spent an age alternately sobbing and being catatonic. I managed to get myself together eventually and got a bit of work done at my desk but then by body decided that crashing into torpor on the couch was a good idea and that lasted until Emily got home. Once Emily was home we ate and ran some errands and then came home for a Cave Date Minecraft stream with Andrew which was extremely lovely.

Today I worked on spare tasks.

I wanted to get down to work hard today on some of the paid games stuff I thought I’d be doing but delays and things meant that I couldn’t do any of that. So instead I helped Emily with her website, got most of the dishes done, posted updates to my Patreon, fixed up some RPG stuff, and ran a playtest of In Which We Live And Breathe. The playtest was really freakin rad and I’m so glad to see the game working as well as it did. It feels like the game is through its initial trial by fire and is now something rad worth continuing.

Tomorrow I’m hoping to hear from people who make decisions about whether they want to pay me to do work, and, honestly, it’s terrifying cause it feels like my future is in their hands. If I can get enough games work to support myself it feels like I might be able to pull myself out of this burnout and depression spiral, if I have to go back to mostly working my day job I’m not really sure how I’ll cope.

Today I ran Goblin Heart ( for a bunch of people I love.

I was genuinely surprised how well it worked and did the things we wanted it to do and it was so lovely to get to play with so many of my beautiful friends who all seemed to have such a great time. We had delicious bakery lunch and then later I MIGHT have wasted an hour of everyone’s time with a shaggy dog story. Dave wrote me a note about it.

The day was all just so much fun and my heart is just so full of love now. Thankyou so much to the beautiful friends that made today amazing. ❤💕

Today it was my birthday and I streamed for 13 hours. I was up around eight thirty and opened my present from Emily. An amazing dress that I decided I had to wear today. We started streaming around half past ten and played Across The Endless Sea with Emily and Elf and Andrew and then Andrew and Emily continued on with me for four hours of Minecraft and a cake for lunch. Then by that time it was dinner time so we got pizza and played DungeonWorld with Emily and Luke and Melody which was super great and a lovely way to round out the evening. I ate so many tasty things and I’m so exhausted but I had such a nice time and it was so lovely to get to spend time with the people who joined me on stream and all the amazing people in my chat and the people who came and visited to give me a hug even if only briefly. What a great birthday! Tomorrow Dave is coming around for coworking and the weather is gonna be real nice so I’m gonna try and get good work done and then relax.

On Tuesday I didn’t get enough work done. I spent most of the day feeling nervous about the work I needed to get done and then distracting myself so eventually when the end of the workday rocked around I hadn’t really achieved anything. Luckily for me though after work I got to meet up with Melody and go hang out at her place for the evening which was really lovely and relaxing and I got to see Sarah and it was just a really nice time.

On Wednesday I watched a speedrun.

I wasn’t super on task during the working part of the day but I managed to get enough done to feel slightly less panicky. After work Emily and I did a space date No Man’s Sky stream together which was really super lovely with great chat. Afterwards Emily headed out for the evening and I went and got fish and chips for dinner and ate them while watching a Crash Bandicoot 2 speedrun which is the first time I’ve ever really bothered to watch a whole speedrun but it was really interesting because it’s a game I’ve played a lot and have feelings about.

On Saturday I mostly chilled out.

In the morning I was up early for my Hand Of Fate 2 stream which was really fun despite the game being quite difficult. In the evening we watched all of the remaining episodes of Stranger Things Season Two which was great, though not as tight as the first season.

On Sunday I played a lots of amazing roleplaying games.

We delayed our start with Girl By Moonlight by an hour which meant that Melody could come down and play from our place and Andrew had enough time to get settled which was really good. The game itself was amazing and had some really solid deep roleplaying and I felt like I did really well on the sensory descriptions of my scenes. Afterwards Emily and Melody and I headed out to the bakery for lunch and then in the evening Emily and I played Stonetop with Luke and Liam online and I really enjoyed it. I loved playing my character and the game flows so nicely. It was just great.

Today, Monday, I slept through half the day.

It was really warm today so I put a load of laundry on early and then we headed out to the shops to grab some essentials. Back at home we spent most of the rest of the day watching Court Of Swords and I alternated between doing the dishes and napping on the couch. Eventually in the evening though I had a shower and put on my makeup and ran what was a pretty good episode of Alas For The Awful Sea on stream which was really fun.

Tomorrow I’m working in the city but I get to see Melody in the evening which will be nice.