Today I had hope snatched away from me.
I haven’t cried this much since Emily was away.
I was worried about the stress from work this morning but it turns out I was able to get a pretty decent grasp on it today and was powered on by song suggestions from @briecode’s Twitter thread for music featuring female vocals that made people feel strong/powerful/hard. I made it through til the last hour of the day and then with only half an hour left to go I heard the news on Twitter that the Births, Deaths, And Marriages (Gender Identity) Amendment Bill had been passes in the South Australian Parliament. Previously transgender matters had been covered by the Gender Reassignment Act 1988 which allowed transgender individuals to get a gender recognition certificate if they had undertaken medical procedures for their transition and, most importantly for me, were not married. This meant that while that was the law I would have to divorce Emily before I could get a gender recognition certificate. The New legislation repealed the Gender Reassignment Act 1988 completely and instead added provisions to the Births, Deaths, And Marriages laws that would allow people to change their legal gender while married.
I was over the moon. I had a little cry, left work ten minutes early, rang Emily and giddily told her the news, and went and sat on the steps of Parliament House and had some feelings.
We sat down and had dinner and spent the evening watching Court of Swords on YouTube and I just kept randomly remembering that the legislation had changed and seeing Emily and being super in love with her and just kept randomly bursting into tears of joy.
There were even gingerbread biscuits that Sarah had made and left with us! I was chatting to people on Twitter about the awesome news. It was the best.
And then at one point during the evening I remembered that I was born in the Northern Territory.
I checked the wording of the bill that had just been passed, it contained a section for people who had been born in South Australia, and a section for people who had been born overseas. It contains no provisions for people born interstate. Because I was born in the Northern Territory my birth certificate is a Northern Territory birth certificate, my birth is on the Northern Territory register of Births, Deaths, and Marriages and so my legal gender is defined by the Northern Territory laws.
They require that in order for a person to change their legal gender on their birth certificate that person must first have sexual reassignment surgery, which I will likely never be able to afford, and that they not be married, which I am and hope to remain.
I’m fucking devastated.
I cried on Emily until my eyes hurt and my cheeks were wet but felt dry from the salt in my tears. My grief is a horrid little black hole surrounded by an inky indigo mist with rasor sharp black needles stabbing out of it like lense flares from a film by nega-jj Abrams. I can calm myself, separate myself from it, contain it like an Airbender suspending a stone within the air currents between their hands but it continues to exist. I feel hopeless and it’s gravity sucks my past and future into it leaving me with void. My intrusive thoughts aren’t pleasant.
It hurts so much but I know I will be ok. I just need to grieve for now. At the end, I will be ok because I am strong, and know myself, my mother gave me the spiritual strength to carry on and my wife supports me at every corner of my journey and my community of friends and loved ones are an army screaming for my wellbeing. I will be fine, just as soon as this monstrous pain subsides.
I slept ok at best (45%)
I ate a lot of soup (65%)
I didn’t meditate (0 mins)
I didn’t exercise (0 mins)
I practiced my vocals on camera (5 mins)
Tomorrow I am supposed to do 8 hours of work from home and knowing me I’ll probably manage it but be kinda crap at it.