Today I felt hopeless.
This morning I woke feeling exhausted, after my shower I crashed on the floor for a bit cause my dysphoria was overwhelming. On the train I was freezing in the aircon and couldn’t nap properly. At work the task I was dealing with war impenetrable. Donald Trump repealed protections for Trans students in US schools and I couldn’t escape that news all day. It was all over my Twitter feed and I couldn’t stop thinking about it, about how unsafe it made me feel even though I’m so distant, and about how deeply ingrained the sense that I’m a grotesque is, and how those seeds were planted when I was just a kid. I didn’t get to have my usual morning tea ritual because Mum and Evangeline were in the city and wanted to catch up which was lovely and important but not what I needed at the time. I could barely bring myself to eat at lunchtime and when I did I just made myself feel ill. When I went to get a train snack for the trip home because I my despair and intense dysphoria demanded sugar they didn’t have any of the snacks I wanted so I went without.
On the plus side today 7 new earth sized planets were found in the habitable zone around nearby star TRAPPIST-1 which I heard about multiple times during the day but walking through the train station while a giant newscaster announced it from a massive LED screen was a pretty rad “I’m in the future or a scifi film” moment.
I made it all the way home to my beautiful wife without crying and then when we her cuddling on the couch I maybe had a bit of a sob on her shoulder just to get some of the tension out.
Over dinner and later into the evening we then watched the video of Adam Koebel’s stream on relationship anarchy which he explained amazingly and I definitely agreed with pretty much completely, especially when he described it as relationships without violence which totally rang true for me.
Afterwards we had a long chat about feelings and relationships but the long light of the television by the end of which it was time for bed.
Tomorrow I’m working my half day in the city because there’s a team meeting and I’m hoping it will be a more talking than doing day just because I’m not sure how much doing I have in me.
Today I at least managed a walk.
This morning I decided I was too tired for makeup and just went with t-shirt and shorts. I settled in to work and had a frustrating day between having trouble focusing and having trouble making progress on technical issues. I was super glad when two o’clock rocked around. I had planned on doing some game dev in the afternoon but I ended up failing an attempt at a nap and then cuddling the bird and then it was suddenly four o’clock. We decided to go for a walk which was a great idea as the exercise was good and we enjoyed seeing a field full of Corellas the only issue was I kept getting three corner jacks piercing right through my thongs and into my feet. At one point where it was really bad Emily even put me on her back and carried me.
At the end of the walk we stopped in at the servo for milk and then headed home for dinner. After watching some YouTube over dinner we headed to our desks to work and although I couldn’t make myself go through and play out the actual tutorial I was gonna a do I did read through the code they use which was very enlightening and made me think again that we might be able to do this thing. Emily kept going long into the evening but I tapped out after an hour citing a need to calm down for the evening before work tomorrow and spent the rest of the evening watching Roll20 Presents Apocalypse World Season 2.
Tomorrow it’s back to work and I really hope I can navigate my way out of my current slump cause it’s not a great space to be in.
Kami Sid, trans rights activist and now Pakistan’s first trans model collaborates with stylist Waqar J Khan and photographer Haseeb Siddiqui for a fashion shoot.
p e a k c y b e r p u n k
I don’t normally reblog this kind of thing, but… I mean, pretty much.
silence in my blood by nesskain hks
Sparrow Volume 11: John Watkiss
I made a Paladin Spell Book for my lady’s DnD adventures last year! Here’s a few pages from her book! I don’t do alot of ink, so this is me being brave!
Today I scraped on by.
This morning it was so dark and even though it was supposed to get to 30 today it was super chilly outside. Even after my train nap I was still super sleepy when I got to work. At work I really struggled with my focus but made one small step in progress on an issue I’m working on but by the end of the day I was feeling super wiped. At least I got to see Damon at lunch time to brighten my day.
On the way home I got myself a train snack to cheer myself up but then couldn’t eat it cause the train was so crowded. Getting home to my darling Emily and lovely BMO was so nice. BMO got a bit shouty in the evening but in the end he did calm down and I could go give him kisses and some pats and general attention. Emily very spent most of the evening working on pixel art for Project Buddy System and endured my being bad at providing constructive criticism nicely. I, however, mostly spent the evening watching Court of Swords and Nebula Jazz because I was pooped. And I got to eat my train snack.
Tomorrow I’m working from home and I’m not 100% sure how much I’ll be able to muster myself. UT here’s hoping for a good time.
all i ever think about is how birds are dinosaurs
is this bird dubstep
I really just wanted this on my blog. Sorry.
A reminder that Kookaburras are a thing that exists.
[A large kookaburra is sitting on someone’s wrist and laughing.]
So you’re telling me the stereotypical jungle animal noise sound effect was a Kookaburra all this time!?
laugh, Kookaburra, laugh