Today I had hope snatched away from me.

I haven’t cried this much since Emily was away.

I was worried about the stress from work this morning but it turns out I was able to get a pretty decent grasp on it today and was powered on by song suggestions from @briecode’s Twitter thread for music featuring female vocals that made people feel strong/powerful/hard. I made it through til the last hour of the day and then with only half an hour left to go I heard the news on Twitter that the Births, Deaths, And Marriages (Gender Identity) Amendment Bill had been passes in the South Australian Parliament. Previously transgender matters had been covered by the Gender Reassignment Act 1988 which allowed transgender individuals to get a gender recognition certificate if they had undertaken medical procedures for their transition and, most importantly for me, were not married. This meant that while that was the law I would have to divorce Emily before I could get a gender recognition certificate. The New legislation repealed the Gender Reassignment Act 1988 completely and instead added provisions to the Births, Deaths, And Marriages laws that would allow people to change their legal gender while married.

I was over the moon. I had a little cry,  left work ten minutes early, rang Emily and giddily told her the news, and went and sat on the steps of Parliament House and had some feelings.

When we got home Emily pointed out that a package had arrived in the mail for me. When I opened it I found it was the textbooks my mum had ordered for me for my birthday! I was so excited!

We sat down and had dinner and spent the evening watching Court of Swords on YouTube and I just kept randomly remembering that the legislation had changed and seeing Emily and being super in love with her and just kept randomly bursting into tears of joy.

There were even gingerbread biscuits that Sarah had made and left with us! I was chatting to people on Twitter about the awesome news. It was the best.

And then at one point during the evening I remembered that I was born in the Northern Territory.

I checked the wording of the bill that had just been passed, it contained a section for people who had been born in South Australia, and a section for people who had been born overseas. It contains no provisions for people born interstate. Because I was born in the Northern Territory my birth certificate is a Northern Territory birth certificate, my birth is on the Northern Territory register of Births, Deaths, and Marriages and so my legal gender is defined by the Northern Territory laws.

They require that in order for a person to change their legal gender on their birth certificate that person must first have sexual reassignment surgery, which I will likely never be able to afford, and that they not be married, which I am and hope to remain.

I’m fucking devastated.

I cried on Emily until my eyes hurt and my cheeks were wet but felt dry from the salt in my tears. My grief is a horrid little black hole surrounded by an inky indigo mist with rasor sharp black needles stabbing out of it like lense flares from a film by nega-jj Abrams. I can calm myself, separate myself from it, contain it like an Airbender suspending a stone within the air currents between their hands but it continues to exist. I feel hopeless and it’s gravity sucks my past and future into it leaving me with void. My intrusive thoughts aren’t pleasant.

It hurts so much but I know I will be ok. I just need to grieve for now. At the end, I will be ok because I am strong, and know myself, my mother gave me the spiritual strength to carry on and my wife supports me at every corner of my journey and my community of friends and loved ones are an army screaming for my wellbeing. I will be fine, just as soon as this monstrous pain subsides.

I slept ok at best (45%)

I ate a lot of soup (65%)

I didn’t meditate (0 mins)

I didn’t exercise (0 mins)

I practiced my vocals on camera (5 mins)

Tomorrow I am supposed to do 8 hours of work from home and knowing me I’ll probably manage it but be kinda crap at it.

Today I tried to really relax.

We didn’t rush to be up early this morning. We ate a slow breakfast, watched some YouTube and chatted about some stuff for The Republic, I even decided to make today a no makeup day. Eventually we did head out to visit Emily’s mum at the hospital but I was super sleepy so I ended up napping in the car. Afterwards we went and grabbed lunch from the McLaren Vale bakery before visiting Sarah at her parents place for a cup of tea. Once we were sufficiently full of tea we headed home to fly BMO. Emily was cleaning today so I was on cuddle duty. BMO was super anxious today like he’d just heard about Trump it something and so I eventually had to just sit there whistling the Pokemon centre theme to keep him calm.

Once he was back in his room we were finished our required tasks for the day so I played a couple of rounds of Overwatch and then finished off Ratchet and Clank before putting on Court of Swords for the evening, having dinner and painting my nails.

I slept pretty poorly apparently (50%)

I ate alright (65%)

I didn’t exercise (0 mins)

I didn’t meditate (0 mins)

I didn’t do voice practice (0 mins)

Tomorrow I’ve got a full eight hours work and I’m fucking terrified. Not because of the eight hours tomorrow but because I’m doing extra hours for December so it will be eight hours again on Wednesday and then again on Thursday and again on Friday. Last time I worked a full time job I had a breakdown and focus on work is something I really struggle with which is one of my sources of self hate and deprecation. I can’t really afford not to do the extra hours but I’m worried an extra couple of hours here or there might fuck me up more than I realise. One thing I’m grateful for is the amazing network of people I have around me. I’m trusting y’all to help me when I need it here. Ok?

Today I did all the dishes.

This morning we didn’t rush too much but we tried to keep on task. We maybe got a little distracted by the Playstation Experience coverage but after a while I was showered, had washed and hung out a load of laundry and was doing the dishes to the sound of Court Of Swords.

After several hours of dishwashing my feet and back were sore and I was tired but it meant that we could finally had out for the day. We headed to the hospital so Emily could briefly visit her mum before we went to visit Lloyd and Sarah at Sarah’s parents place. Sarah’s Dad made us amazing barbecue brunch and we chatted with Sarah and Lloyd and Clare and Sarah’s Mum Anne and then some people started doing music practice which was lovely to sit and listen to. Eventually after a bunch more chatting Clare headed home and we stole Sarah and Lloyd away to our house for an evening of further hanging out and chatting which continued to just be a really lovely time until bed time.

I didn’t sleep amazingly apparently (55%)

I ate pretty well (80%)

I didn’t exercise (0 mins)

I didn’t meditate (0 mins)

I did brief voice practice in the car with Emily (5 mins)

Tomorrow has a couple of chores and as much relaxing at home as humanly possible preparation for a super intense week at work and maybe another visit from Sarah and Lloyd

upennmanuscripts:cryptid-wendigo:The Parandrus (or... by  Lair Master Lair Master( )


upennmanuscripts:

cryptid-wendigo:

The Parandrus (or Tarandrus) was originally documented in book 8 of Pliny the Elder’s Natural History which is estimated to have been written in 77 A.D. This creature is thought to have had camouflage as it was described as being able to conceal itself by changing its appearance to match its surroundings. In its natural state, it was said to have long fur “colored like a bear”, cloven hooves, the head of a stag, long branching antlers, and was the size of an ox. 

Kongelige Bibliotek, Gl. kgl. S. 1633 4º, Folio 15v

Takin a moment to really look at my face before I put my makeup on had better be damn good for my mental health or whatever cause it’s not fun.

Today I maybe forgot to have a proper lunch again but it was fine.

So this morning we went and grabbed some stuff for Emily’s mum and took it to her at the hospital before rushing to Willunga to catch the last of the farmers Market to get some veggies and stuff.  

After we had our groceries we got to hang out with Annie for a few hours over tea at the Green Room and just chat and catch up which was just lovely and kind of weirdly inspiring. After eventually dating goodbye we headed home and fed our animals and then went back to McLaren Vale. Where Sarah and Lloyd were. We both basically got nearly bowled over twice, first by Lloyd’s excited hugs and then by Sarah’s. We shared some snacks with then and their families and a couple of Sarah’s other friends and it was just so nice having them back. I was thinking today leading up to seeing them just how important my relationship with Sarah has been because she was one of the first people where I realised that my relationships with my female friends were suddenly super important to me in a way that few relationships in my life head been before my transition so seeing her and seeing Annie in the same day was really cool, we almost also caught up with Julia for a cup of tea which would have been a cool hattrick.
We did eventually leave them to go water Emily’s mum’s plants but then afterwards we met them at the singing gallery where there was an open mic night. They were the penultimate spot but it meant we got to sit with Sarah and her parents for most of the night (Lloyd was trying to sleep off jetlag) and then they were just so amazing and touching when they did perform their set. It was pretty late by the time we got home though.

I slept ok (50%)

I ate weirdly (55%)

I didn’t exercise(0 mins)

I didn’t meditate (0 mins)

I did a little voice practice in the car with Emily (10 mins)

Tomorrow we’re cleaning the house in the morning before heading out to lunch and then having Sarah and Lloyd over later.

katiesbliss:Nothing like a little black dress! Sharing this... by Kristing Louboutin( )


katiesbliss:

Nothing like a little black dress! Sharing this affordable holiday party look on KatiesBliss.com today– both my dress & shoes were less than $100 ???? #katiesblissholiday // You can also get links to what I’m wearing via @liketoknow.it ! Just ‘like’ this photo to have info sent to your ? Sign up here: http://liketk.it/2pJNp #liketkit #ltkunder100 #ltkholidaystyle #lbd #littleblackdress #theplaza #plazahotel (at The Plaza Hotel)

I hate this part of being Trans.

I hate it when it hurts.

I hate having a big red flashing weakpoint that defeats me.

I hate being the source of the awkward moment at the celebration.

I hate it when beautiful kind people make honest mistakes and they apologise sincerely and I can see in their face that it hurts them to have hurt me.

But it still hurts me.

I say I’m fine, that I don’t take offence.

I don’t. I’m not offended. I’m just in pain.

I can be murdered with words but usually it’s manslaughter instead.

I don’t want to feel this injury but I do. I don’t have a choice not to feel. I don’t have a choice not to be trans. If that were an option I’d take it.

I tried it. I pretended, convinced myself for a while, but it doesn’t work. Down that road lies misery and death.

Instead I choose to live. I am a glorious and beautiful creature that walks the forest carefully. I fear being attacked but worse I fear being the victim of loved one’s mistake.

I am so overjoyed that it’s summer that I’m having a hard time convincing myself it’s real and not send elaborate gorgeous warm dream.

Today I forgot to have lunch.
I went to work in town today even though I normally work from home on Fridays because there was a team meeting scheduled but when I got into the office I discovered that it had been moved to next week. I mentioned that it might’ve been nice to have known that so I could have worked from home and so then we ended up having a team meeting anyway? It was weird. the rest of the day was spent working on a project that has to be finished by Monday and since my bit wasn’t working my 2pm knockoff/lunchtime came and went and suddenly it was half past three again by the time I had everything working. Because I knew we had to go visit Emily’s mum I headed straight home, completely forgetting food. I made it home, fed BMO and then we headed out to see Emily’s mum. After the hospital visit we went to Willunga to visit my dad for dinner while mum is away for a few days. Cammi and Kira brought pizza and we just sat and chatted and it was nice.

When we got home we had to set up a projector so Emily could trace an image onto a massive canvas for a painting she’s working on before heading to bed.

I slept ok (65%)

I ate poorly (35%)

I didn’t exercise (0 mins)

I didn’t meditate (0 mins)

I didn’t do vocal practice (0 mins)

Tomorrow there’s apparently a lot in the day but I don’t fully understand what the plan is so imma just trust Emily

​Looking at my portfolio and holy shit I was productive in November.

We attended #GCAP16, The WiG Lunch, #PAXAus2016, and #Megadev4 for #MIGW16. Got to meet & take selfies with so many amazing lovely people.

I was on a fuckin rad panel about Violence in Games with @ms45 @xSkyTamer @Rx_Pixel & @KatrynaStarks at #PAXAus2016

I was on another amazing panel about Queer Rep in Games with @AlaynaMCole @CptHollingworth @zammitjess & @Wrenegadey
http://www.pcauthority.com.au/Feature/441109,queer-representation-in-games-heroes-like-us-at-pax-australia-2016.aspx

I released my Item Drop Treasure Generation Tables for generating awesome D&D loot on DM’s Guild.
http://www.dmsguild.com/m/product/198328

We started the planning stages for a new digital RPG thing, all inspired by our experiences at #MIGW16

I released a goshdang Roleplaying Game about Social Justice & Element Bending & dice & stuff! AND an update for it!
http://therepublic.machinespirit.net/

For the first time in 15 years I celebrated my birthday & didnt panic about “running out of time to start HRT”. I turned 28 and feel amazing.

I even finally released my Murakami x Miyazaki inspired Magical Realism DungeonWorld hack playbook.
https://acegiak.net/2016/11/30/boundary-walker-magical-realism-in-dungeonworld/

Plus Amygdala was in A Good Bundle which raised an INSANE amount of money for @ACLU & @PPact

In conclusion I am declaring myself Queen of November and anyone who wants to challenge that is gonna have to fight me.

Today I was just destroyed by stress.

Arriving at work today was like wringing myself like a wet cloth. We’re behind on a couple of important projects AND we have an untenable number of support request tickets four major clients who are talking about leaving if we can’t get things sorted out and really I think I’ve been genuinely trying to do my best over the last few days but I feel like I’m not really making much progress. I actually managed to finish the things I was supposed to be doing yesterday and today but I the stress of it all and the fact that it’s not just one deadline looking but like five or six things that I can’t keep up with means that I’m just not quite coping. I ended up forgetting to take a lunch break until half past three and later when a workmate comforted me by pointing out that all I had to do was keep doing my job and that it was up to the management team to handle everything else I had to suddenly so myself from bursting into tears at my desk.

Emily caught the train home with me and we got a small takeaway dinner because we couldn’t be bothered thinking about food. Once home we put on Court Of Swords and just binged that all evening. At one point Emily went for a walk and was away for ages cause she was having adventures while I went to post a bunch of stuff online about how productive I’d been but instead my brain decided it hated me and would spend a couple of hours explaining the ways on which I am worthless which was a bit shit. Emily getting back from her walk adventure was certainly a big help though as was tea and chocolate and, after we’d retired to bed, having a big cry all over her and recieving comforting cuddles.

I slept roughly (55%)

I ate poorly (35%)

I didn’t exercise (0 mins)

I didn’t meditate (0 mins)

I did a tiny bit of vocal practice in the shower (5 mins)

Tomorrow I’m working in the city again because we have a team meeting and I’ve got to finish testing our new plugin before the end of the day so I might end up being there overtime which I’m not hugely looking forward to. Here’s hoping for a good night’s rest in preparation.