Today I held myself up.

This morning I didn’t bother with makeup and worked from home while Emily was out. I was pretty ineffectual at work but I manage to make sure I peeled myself back from moments when my mental health started to turn sour. After Emily arrived home and I finished up work I made some cup-a-soup for lunch, fed BMO and then washed the dishes and cleaned the kitchen. Once that was done we headed out to the shops. On the drive there we talked about some stuff on related to Emily’s panic attack last night and during the course of the discussion I got more hurt than I have in a long time but after Emily grabbed the things we needed from the shops and came back to the car she pretty quickly put things straight. Back at home Emily diarized while I got distracted by the internet and then we both ended up sending helpful videos back and forth over riot chat until it was time for dinner. We watched some YouTube as we ate and then Emily went to have a solstice bath. I kept watching YouTube but I felt like not doing something for the solstice was playing into my depression’s hands. It was cold outside and I wasn’t sure of any small ritual I could perform so instead I drew a small sketch of myself and the moon.

I was actually surprised by the drawing as the style is not my usual style but the picture just kind of emerged from me which was weird and nice and it was great because I felt like I’d achieved some small something to mark the solstice.

Tomorrow I’m working in the city and I’m already wondering if there’s a way I can find somewhere to make me a horchata or a white hot chocolate or something.


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