Today I killed a fourteen year old’s Dungeons and Dragons character.

This morning I slept in a fair bit and then lazed around in bed reading Twitter for too long, got grumpy about that and a couple of other minor things because I was hungry and ended up sobbing uncontrollably on the floor of the shower, utterly hating myself.

I spoke to Emily about it when I finally managed to get out of the house and pick her up and she re-raised the discussion of medication which, while I’m happy to consider that option, I’m deathly afraid someone’s gonna say that my mood issues are because my testosterone is too low and reduce my anti-androgens and like I know that women come in all shapes and sizes and hormone levels but my hormone levels are strongly tied to my feelings of validity as a woman so I am super fucking scared of anyone messing with them and making them be anything different to how they are now. Yes that’s fucked up but it’s where I’m at and I don’t have the spoons currently to deal with anything like that. If we were only talking about antidepressants or anti-anxiety meds I’d be capable of a much more reasonable discussion.

Back at home we spent a few hours doing our best to tidy the house which for me was just doing as much of the dishes as I could without my feet getting sore from the hard cement floor.

Damon and their sister arrived at two and we finished of her character and got straight into the Dungeons And Dragons. We had a pretty excellent session even though Damon’s sister’s character died outright and Damon’s character accidentally turned themself into a a swarm of ethereal bats. But at least the dead character got resurrected in the end so it wasn’t so bad.

Afterwards I was a little sad the death didn’t have more impact but over all the session was excellent chaos.

Tomorrow we don’t have a set plan but finishing the cleaning and going for a walk would be great.

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