Today I came home from work.
Waking this morning was hard but I was encouraged by knowing Emily was catching the train into town with me today. Once I was at work I spent the morning trying to organise things for a bunch of different upcoming projects and then spent the afternoon trying to understand an undocumented to write a script to solve a problem with some software that the developers won’t provide us reasonable support for. The stress of the work and the fact that I was super tired, had forgotten my meds and had been triggered by a text message earlier that day meant that by the end of it I was blasting Taylor Swift and I Fight Dragons into my head to keep it together. I finished work, bought myself a Dr Pepper and a Curly Wurly with the coins I scrounged from my bag, and jumped on the train home. Once I got home I was rewarded for not having cried at all during the day with the most beautiful twilight. Emily and I walked to the servo to get some milk and I just spent the entire walk in awe. The air smelled spring and then of soil and then blossoms and then cars and then dust and the full moon hung steadily in the lavender part of the sky between the steel blue roof and the dusty orange horizon. The trees were lit with dirty red remnants of the day’s sun and down Port Road we saw headlights of cars through Mandarin dust. Somewhere in the distance a Cockatoo was squawking. We’d had a discussion with Alison on Sunday where she tried to explain Vaporwave as an aesthetic and I cottoned on once I understood we were talking about the feeling I get playing GTA: Vice City. In this twilight moment today I had two thoughts, one that I’d slipped from the mundane world into a real world, and two that there is a feeling or an aesthetic or something like Australiana Vaporwave? Maybe like GTA: Darwin? Or maybe the idealized Darwin in my head from when I was a kid? That feeling or aesthetic as actually really important to me because it’s so connected to idolizing my parents, their friends and their narrative as a little kid in the early nineties. It’s the reason I drive a beat up ’84 Supra. The weird thing is though I was experiencing being in this real world of Australian Vaporwave far more intensely than I ever have with previous experiences of slipping into real worlds, I couldn’t see myself in it, which I always used to be able to. While it’s obvious the intensity is related to my increased emotional availability and changes to my sensory experience the self placement thing just highlighted a specific corner of a larger thought I’ve been trying to have. It’s all well and good for me to go around talking about how I’m developing a real identity now which my dysphoria and other mental health issues prevented me from doing properly previously but that’s actually a vast oversimplification of the matter. I feel like you don’t just have one identity, you have thousands, for different contexts, different people, different places, different times. Maybe you have a larger overarching identity that provides the themes and frameworks but currently that’s kind of all I have, and that’s kind of half baked still anyway. My professional identity is getting a lot of working out currently and it’s the one I feel most stable with but there are so many other situations where I am still need so much work to work out who I am in those contexts. What does it mean to be Marie McAllan’s daughter, or the Darwin Girl, or the Gamemistress? I had an image of myself for equivalents of these previously, even if it was an incredibly shallow one but now that image doesn’t seem to fit on me anymore and now I guess I have to Play To Find Out. The best evidence this is probably being unsettled by my face sometimes recently. It’s changed so much that my old images of who I was don’t fit on that face anymore, it’s almost unfamiliar in a way which is weird as fuck. The exception though, is my work face. When I am dressed and made up for work I have none of those issues because I know who I am in that context so I find myself falling back to that a lot. My work makeup is my default makeup even when I’m not working and when I need to go to something slightly fancy I’ll usually dress up a work outfit.
This realisation, that there’s more mental work ahead of me than I’d thought is super intimidating but it’s also nice to know that one day I’ll have most of it sorted.
Once we were home though we had the simplicity of cuddling on the couch and doing RPG stuff while the other did videogames and it was just nice.
I slept short and late (55%)
I ate pretty averagely (45%)
I didn’t exercise (0 mins)
I didn’t meditate (0 mins)
Tomorrow Damon is coming round and I’m really keen because we haven’t seen him enough recently. I just hope I can get through work feeling productive without feeling stressed.