Today I was pretty emotionally rocky.
I woke up after Emily had left to go to the markets with her Mum and immediately my brain was telling me I was ugly and useless and alone and so despite managing to temporarily pull myself out of bed to reset the router when the wifi died I basocally spent the entire morning under the bed covers trying to use Reddit and tumblr to keep myself distracted from my internal distress. When Emily did eventually get home I just burst into tears and she came and calmed me down with a biscuit and some cuddles. She was super lovely the rest of the morning, just being there and supporting me through getting myself up and ready to handle the day. Luckily there was a new episode of Campaign Podcast to listen to so I had that as a motivator as well so once I was presentable I got to head out for my walk with the Mynock crew which helped so much with bringing me back to a healthy calm state of mind because my walk with Campaign is such a safe space with people I love to listen to and I’m exercising and I feel so warm and at home. If I get to go get lunch from the bakery like today it’s even better because not only is the food there amazing but the people are lovely and they know me and I feel like it’s my bakery. Once I got home with my lunch I was feeling so much better and so, at Emily’s insistence I engaged in some active relaxation for the afternoon, playing a bit of LittleBigPlanet Karting and some Oddworld New’N’Tasty before we let BMO out for a play which was adorable. Once playtime was over I cleaned the bathroom and put him away but by the end of that I had completly used up all my energy from earlier and ended up needing a nap.
I didn’t end up waking from the nap until half past five so we mostly just got ready to head out and left for family dinner at Mt. Compass.
Family dinner was a fair bit of a rollercoaster this evening. My parents were proud of me for getting a job but immediately started criticising my ability to present myself as a professional. It stemmed from love and concern but it still stung to have it delivered as a backhand after the pat on the back and Dad delivered it in his way that treats you as a person he owns, similarly when I talked about wanting to fix up my car he immediately informed me that we(meaning him) should get you into something else because the Supra is likely to get stolen parked at the train station despite the fact that the Supra is my car and he has no say in whether or not I drive it and that any other car would have to be borrowed from him. There was a nice bit where he showed us his new vintage car he was proud of but the way he shut down later when we started talking about things we care about just reminded me that we can only have a nice with him on his terms. In the end despite a relatively nice evening with mostly pleasant conversation and surprisingly tasty food these pressures building up on me started coming to a head as a couple of triggers popped up in conversation so when I was starting to feel on the edge of distress and Cammi needed to rant about an admittedly awful sounding lecturer I couldn’t handle the stress and had to leave which made me feel even worse because I felt rude and didn’t want to interrupt Cammi and wanted to say goodbye properly but as it was I said a quick goodbye and got into the car before I started seriously hyperventilating. I managed to calm myself down a little and we left to head home but on the drive home I started thinking about how much I just want a nice relationship with my Dad where he doesn’t need to be controlling and moody and might actually be interested in things I care about and then I had to stop myself and focus on my breathing because I was about to be driving down Willunga Hill which would be incredibly dangerous if I were also bawling my eyes out.
We made it home safe thanks to breathing techniques and focus and once we were inside Emily and I had a great little chat about emotions as she comforted and reassured me before wearily climbing into bed.
I slept a little extra (75%)
I ate comfortably (45%)
I exercised to calm (45 mins)
I didn’t meditate (0 mins)
Tomorrow I am going to make pancakes and go on an Easter egg hunt with Julia and Eli’s family.